The Long Defeat

Finally ... a way to describe the "place we are in" when it comes to the whole Haiti vs. America question.

The Long Defeat is a new Sara Groves song and when we heard it we were all: "YES YES ... this explains it!!! Finally."

An Internet friend wrote today and said she honestly wondered if we would get back to America for our furlough and maybe change our minds about going back to Haiti. I appreciated her honesty and the question. WE also wondered if being here would confuse us and make us long to be back in Minnesota on a permanent basis.

At lunch last Sunday my Uncle asked us if Haiti is home ... if we saw ourselves as lifers. I burst into tears, not because his question was bad, but because it is so hard to explain the place we're in when it comes to Haiti. I think I said something like, "Yes, I see myself in Haiti and yes it very much feels like home." I followed that up with, "and I hate feeling that way."

I do hate feeling that way because it is not sensible to feel that way. So much of what we do in Haiti feels futile. Why love a place where you feel like you're treading water and never getting anywhere? Why chose that place over being where your family and close friends are?

It takes someone much more poetic than I to explain this whole conundrum - loving a place that drives you nuts. I know we're weird to some of our friends and family. And I understand it making no sense to you because it makes very little sense to me. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know how long He'll do what He's doing. I just know that I am good with the long defeat.

It is about hope - chances are you're going to keep losing, but the reason you stay is that you always have hope that one day you might win and one day it might mean something. We don't want to quit trying.

THIS (lyrics and song below) explains everything in a beautiful way ...

The Long Defeat by Sara Groves

"...I have fought the long defeat ... and I'm not going to stop because we keep losing...We want to be on the winning team, but at the risk of turning our backs on the losers, no, it's not worth it." -Dr. Paul Farmer from Mountains Beyond Mountains (The story of Dr. Farmer) by Tracy Kidder

i have joined the long defeat ~ that falling set in motion ~ and all my strength and energy ~ are raindrops in the ocean ~ so conditioned for the win ~ to share in victor's stories ~ but in the place of ambition's din ~ i have heard of other glories ~ and i pray for an idea ~ and a way i cannot see ~ it's too heavy to carry ~ too impossible to leave ~ i can't just fight when i think i'll win ~ that's the end of all belief ~ and nothing has provoked it more ~ than a possible defeat

CHORUS
we walk a while we sit and rest ~ we lay it on the altar ~ i won't pretend to know what's next ~ but what i have i've offered ~ and i pray for a vision ~ and a way i cannot see ~ it's too heavy to carry ~ and impossible to leave ~ and i pray for inspiration ~ and a way i cannot see ~ it's too heavy to carry ~ and impossible to leave ~ it's too heavy to carry ~ and i will never leave