Primum non nocere - First, do no harm

(Written & Posted Originally in April 2013 - Reposted today in honor of National Adoption Month, November 2015)


'Primum non nocere', perhaps you've heard that phrase? If so, you've likely heard this as one of the principle precepts of medical ethics. I'm not writing about medical ethics today. I'm writing about adoption ethics, but the same precept applies. 

First, do no harm.

I wholeheartedly believe most prospective adoptive parents set out to 'do no harm'. 

To each person considering adoption and to each person who has already completed an adoption, I share the following out of a deep concern for birth-mothers and first families. I share it as an adoptive mother, from a place of sorrow and regret.

Manno & his Papa

Recently I wrote this: I have intensely complicated thoughts about everything related to poverty, orphans, orphanages, and international adoption. Some of my thoughts are developed thoughts and others I am wrestling with as I wonder about the roles I have played in the system and as I watch injustice and unbalanced power all around me. 

For months I've been in utter and complete turmoil over many things related to international adoption. We first adopted more than 10 years ago. My turmoil has to do with my son, Isaac. It has to do with his first family. (I plan to share that story in a follow-up to this post soon.)  It has to do with the system and its multiple pitfalls. It has to do with doing harm.

The more I learn living in Haiti, the more research I do, the more convinced of the appalling issues I become. The more involved I've been with our children's first families the more I've been forced to face some difficult realities about international adoption. I recognize that I too have been part of the problem. I recognize that "do no harm" requires so much more understanding, awareness, and education than we had. 

Ketia & Julianna

In part because of my sister, who was a first-mom that placed her daughter for adoption as an infant, and in part due to my own international adoption experiences, I find myself predisposed to fight for first mothers and their rights. 

Having spent a number of years in Haiti, I have had an opportunity to slowly build relationships with many women and that has allowed me a unique peek into their lives and their reality. I've witnessed troubling exploitation of birth-mothers in Haiti. From all that I've learned, I have come to care intensely about the needs and rights of first mothers and fathers. 

"Exploitation" is perhaps an intangible term for some. When I say exploitation, I am casting a large net that refers to multiple things. As one example, I refer to a system that rarely tries to help a first mom through a difficult time but has no problem having her sign paperwork she doesn't understand and taking her child off of her hands, for good. If the child is an infant, that can easily be referred for adoption, he or she is received even faster. 

I desire reform in the area of ethical practices that go above and beyond to protect vulnerable, materially poor, marginalized, and often times uneducated first mothers/families. Even if we cannot agree how that reform should be fleshed out, I hope we can agree reform that protects poor first families is needed and overdue. 

Dieumatha & her little one

It occurs to me that our western culture of capitalism, materialism, and consumerism all play a large role in our attitude toward and approach to international adoption. Due to our wealth and ability to provide, sometimes without even realizing it we begin to believe that our material wealth makes us better suited to parent the child of a poor mother. What began as noble and pure and loving can fairly easily begin to look a lot more like ethnocentrism and entitlement. 

Prospective adoptive parents presented with proof that a healthy and able birth-mother exists rarely ask questions about why she relinquished her child. We want to be trusting people and we believe the story offered by their agency and never look back. Sadly, many later learn that nothing was as it appeared. 

(And of course, sometimes -for dozens of reasons First-mothers choose, without force or manipulation, to relinquish their child for adoption out of great need and pure motives. There are absolutely situations where babies and older children are legitimately relinquished.) 

Additionally, adoption is being marketed to us by our churches now. The cry from the pulpit to address the "orphan crisis" oftentimes creates pressure to adopt rather than a calling to adopt. I am not at all against a fact-based movement encouraging openness to exploring a new idea. I am against using guilt to propel people into uninformed or reckless action.  (Adoption as a way of solving the "orphan crisis" is marketed with sketchy numbers and without delineating "true orphan" from "poverty orphan" - which I find dishonest. Perhaps this is an entirely different blog post for another day.)  

I think most adoptive families (choosing to adopt internationally especially) enter into the process thinking they will be helping a child that desperately needs a family. Over and over adoption is marketed as- "Giving a child what they deserve:  A family."  My struggle is, most of these kids have that family before we arrive. We've not done enough to help their families have other options. We've not invested enough time in educating the birth families; first families frequently don't fully understand what they signed up for, nor do they understand what they can expect in the future. 

Wislene and her precious family

It is not a mystery why some injustice continues unchallenged in the adoption arena. Whenever people have a personal interest they are apt to protect themselves over the greater good.  Many say, "Once our adoption is done, we'll talk about what we saw, what we heard, or what we learned".  So many people that plan to talk "later" get tired or busy with a new family member to acclimate and they never follow through. Meanwhile, every day more children enter institutionalized care and new families turn over their payment and paperwork and the light does not shine on truth. I challenge all adoptive and prospective adoptive parents to refuse to be quiet when things are troubling  - to refuse to be frozen in fear - to refuse to allow the powers that be to manipulate or misinform without consequence.  

“The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.” -Elizabeth Stanton

I imagine a world where a prospective adoptive parent would be every bit as willing to advocate (financially, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise)  for the rights and justice of the poor first/birth-mother to keep and parent her child, as they are willing to push for their own completed adoption. I don't think anyone starts out wanting to trample on the marginalized but sadly it seems to be happening by default in many countries around the world.

Justice is not only about seeking fairness and equality for those without a voice; at times it is also risking our own personal happiness or gain in order to bring it.  

Those of us in the position to consider an international adoption are the ones with the most power.  Let us use our voice for good. Let us stand with the poor in support of their ability to raise children. Let us demand real and measured transparency.Let us not blindly trust what we're being fed by agencies and those that stand to gain most from the entire process. Let us be about exposing the dark parts of this system (truth telling) and educating ourselves and new adoptive families so we can all avoid hurting and oppressing the poor.      

Because I believe that with very few exceptions, most adoptive parents set out to "do no harm", it seems possible that we might all be willing to look more critically at the gray areas. If you're open to further consideration, here are some links and thoughts you can begin to read and research further:

1.  "In many countries,it can be astonishingly easy to fabricate a history for a young child, and in the process, manufacture an orphan.The birth mothers are often poor, young, unmarried, divorced, or otherwise lacking family protection.The children may be born into a locally despised minority group that is afforded few rights.And for enough money,someone will separate these little ones from their vulnerable families,turning them into "paper orphans" for lucrative export."Source: The Lie We Love, Brandeis University  
2.  PEAR - Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform (on Facebook too)
3. Multiple links regarding fraud/corruption here at Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism - a.) Proposal for fairer adoption practices here 
4. I recently finished reading an advance copy of this book. My original perception was that it painted Christians with a broad brush, therefore some of it left me slightly defensive - BUT - there are enough/many stories and things that ring 100% true that I hope many adoptive parents will read it for themselves and not take my word for it - simply to be informed of the troubling evidence of coercion and multiple issues that exist within the current system.   
5.  Child Laundering: How the Intercountry Adoption System Legitimizes and Incentivizes the Practices of Buying, Trafficking, Kidnapping, and Stealing Children, by David M. Smolin  (This guy is smart and honest and comes at it objectively.)
6. If you are aware of North Americans using their power and inherent privilege to strong-arm or force an adoption (actually called kidnapping and called trafficking) - please expose them to authorities because every time a child somehow slips out of their birth country in an illegal and unethical way, it hurts others with legitimate and lawful adoptions.

This post does not address many other forms of fraud and deception; it was intended to be just one piece of the puzzle, focused on first families. Please don't read this post as any sort of personal attack or indictment. We are all swimming in ethically gray waters. I've become so troubled that I feel it is important to risk upset  in order to bring attention to the fact that many of our good intentions are inadvertently causing unjust results. Even though there is personal and emotional involvement - I am thankful that some adoptive parents will be moved by the Good that compels them to look harder at the broken system we have been complicit in creating and consider how we can be agents for change.

... God gives out wisdom free, is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding. He's a rich mine of Common Sense for those who live well, a personal bodyguard to the candid and sincere ... 

- Proverbs 2  -

~         ~         ~          ~

post script ...

Over the last several years, through the work happening here in Haiti, I've been watching Haitian mothers being offered a bit of encouragement and love. In that time I've watched over 250 women choose to parent (and not relinquish to an orphanage) their babies. Less than 1% have chosen to place for international adoption. Some are very, very poor women; some are middle-class women. With a relatively small amount of emotional support these women are choosing to parent their children. Without the benefit of wealth and material blessing they are doing a fabulous job loving and serving their little ones. 

Jacquline, her mother, and her newborn daughter

(all photos of Haitian families used with permission)

Everyone Showed Up

This beautiful thing happened yesterday:

http://momastery.com/blog/2015/10/21/love-flash-mob-global/


The results of 24 hours of LOVE are stunning:

http://momastery.com/blog/2015/10/22/so-they-did/

Overcoming

The crew that celebrated Graham's first birthday, Lydia's eighth, and Grandpa Porter's 65th together in early October

When I was in Texas a couple of weeks ago to see that delicious little grandson of ours - (Doh! - I mean - to see our big girls and their husbands and my Mom and Dad ... then of course that baby too, if at all possible) - I had a massive technology failure.   

A few weeks have passed and I am ready to talk about it now.

I arrived to DFW with my two spunky little girls and a plan to meet a friend that would hand me drugs. (Medicine for a diabetic woman in Haiti. Come on.)  When I got to the baggage claim area and turned my phone on to find out where I would meet the friend, only the voice of Siri or a woman that was pretending to be Siri came out.  The voice kept reading the home screen over and over and over to me.  "The time is 10:28pm".  Each time I tried to put in my password it would just tell me out loud what numbers I was pushing, but not ever unlock the screen.  

Like all of us do when we lose a vital organ, I began to panic.  How soon before I bleed out, I wondered!? How can I call my friend? How can I find my friend? How will I get to my daughter's house without that phone? What about the calls I promised I would make while on the long drive tonight? How will I remember which car-rental company I held the car with earlier? Where will my next breath come from?!?!?!   

"PLEASE -STAY CALM, Lydia and Phoebe",  I said.

I could continue to lay out for you every massive mountain of challenge I climbed without my phone, but I will spare you further detail and just skip all humility and tell you about my heroic ability to continue on in the face of all that affliction. 

Not only did I find the friend,  I rented a car and drove from DFW to daughter #1 without a map.  After that, I drove from Dallas to a city three hours away totally unassisted by Google Maps or a phone that is smart.  

That's right.  That really happened.

The next day I was trying to make it Troy's fault for sending me with a faulty phone to use in the USA and like he is known to do, he wrote a list of instructions detailing how I (read: Paige) could go about fixing it.  

I handed the instructions to Paige.  She sort of half-tried to follow step one and then she told me that his instructions included hitting the home button three times and that I did not have a home button.   

Huh.  Well.  Okay.  So that is done then. No fixing a phone that has no home button. Easy go, easy go. 

When I got home a few days later Troy turned the phone on, confirmed that yes indeed it was jacked up.  He then fixed it in .4 seconds by hitting the home button.   He has gone on to share this story with a couple of my friends in order for them to be able to mock and scoff with him. If my 20 year old says I don't have a home button, who am I, a 43 year old dinosaur, to disagree? 

My husband wants to focus in on the failure of not fixing the phone and also in believing Paige without question. That is not how this is going to go down. I am cementing this in history as the story of my bravery and ultimately my overcoming in the face of much adversity.  


 ________________________________________



A few kid other things I don't want to forget, so recording here...

On our way to Texas we had a long layover in FtLauderdale and shopped for a little bit. The girls asked if they could please go to the bathroom together without my help. We almost never allow them chances to test independence in public places in Haiti so I said, "Yes, you can if you stay together. If anyone gives you any trouble one of you fight and one of you scream and I'll come quickly." The girls said "okay!" and took off for the bathroom. I went back to looking at the rack I was standing near.

A few seconds later Lydie (half way to bathroom door) spun around and yelled back toward me, "Ma? I'm gonna be the one that fights, ok?!" 

I really don't doubt it.  Phoebe and Lydie are only 11 months apart in age. We are anxious to celebrate the birth of our Phoebe girl very soon.

(Written earlier)

This morning began with hysterically upset Phoebe. When we were in Texas for the birthday celebrations I bought her new underwear with the days of the week on them. She is MADLY in love with this new system of underwear organization ... takes all the guesswork out of choosing in the morning.
Well, Chestnut the ShiTzu ate Friday's pair. Phoebe discovered this today when she woke up. She dramatically explained how much this is going to ruin tomorrow and possibly every Friday for eternity for her. If you had heard her, even you would be convinced this is a HUGE problem, from which we may never recover. 

I (somewhat teasingly) suggested that we could just write Friday with a Sharpie on a pair of old undies. Tonight she came and handed me a sharpie and these underwear. Apparently my solution is actually better than wearing a pair that doesn't designate what day it is.  (Yes, she wore them and the marker survived the wash to live to see another Friday.)

Perspective: We Can Do Better

~A man walks up to the gate agent  and begins to express frustration with his flight delays.  He begins to talk louder and use his hands.  The agent decides his style of communication is a threat to her and calls the police.  The man is taken away from the gate and not allowed to fly that day.

~A group of men sit on their motorcycles at the busy intersection.  They chat and laugh  and watch traffic going by as they wait for potential customers to arrive.  A carload of visiting Americans driving by sees all the men gathered in a group on their motos and says, "This motorcycle gang seems dangerous. Why are they here?"

~Sarah is out for a morning jog in rural Haiti, in the distance she sees a man walking toward her with some sort of weapon in his hand.  She is alone on a run and becomes fearful. She turns back to run the opposite direction rather than passing the man on the road.

~We receive an email, explaining that an American family in Haiti is in need.  The email went on to explain that the family needs to leave Haiti before the elections later in October, because the country is dangerous - even more so during elections.  The family is raising a lot of money to get out of Haiti.

*          *           *           *

~The man at the airport was communicating in a very Haitian way.  Haitians can be quite animated in their communication, one minute you might observe two men having what appears to be a very heated conversation, the next minute they have their arms around one another and they are laughing their heads off while embracing.  Our observations of their communication is rooted in our own paradigm.  The gate agent was never in danger, no threat was ever made.  

~The men that sit at the corner are trying to make a living by driving moto-taxi.  They wait at a busy intersection in order to find customers that need a ride.  They laugh, tease, debate, and enjoy each others company while they wait on the next customer. They are not a "gang" and they simply hope to make a few dollars today.

~Sarah was new to Haiti.  She didn't realize that everyone in rural Haiti owns a machete. It is used for dozens of things, including working in the garden.  What Sarah saw as a threatening man, was really just a hard-working guy headed to his field to work.

~It is not so dangerous in Haiti that anyone needs to evacuate due to election season.  Like any place in the world, things can and do happen ... But, to suggest that staying in Haiti this month is unsafe is over the top dramatic and also untrue.  Sensationalizing things in order to fund raise hurts everyone in Haiti. 

*          *           *           *

Sometimes, as a family living and working long-term in Haiti, it becomes clear why there is some animosity toward foreigners.  Over the years the volume of people that have come here and misused funds, left their employees and vendors unpaid, and entered into inappropriate relationships or chosen to do things they deemed "helpful" while never asking, "What would be helpful?" is utterly mind-numbing. 

We grieve over the things that have been done here that have hurt Haiti and her people. If we (expats) are all to be grouped together and seen as a whole, it makes a lot of sense that many would look at us and judge us unhelpful, annoying, and even offensive and harmful.

Haiti does not need the media or visiting foreigners/humanitarians/missionaries to stir up drama for their own attention, fundraising, or sales. 

I think we can ask for better. 

I think we can do better.

Prepare Your Heart

In our circles we hear terms like, "donor fatigue" and "compassion fatigue". 

Living in Haiti we often encounter terrible situations that take our breath away, and cause moments of, "NO! How can this be true?" 

Fatigue is a thing of course.  It is something to be cognizantly aware of while working and living in this difficult and oftentimes dark world. 

The thoughts and struggle I have with fatigue is this: I am the one who is privileged enough to have the CHOICE of being fatigued.  

If I am sick of seeing the way patients are treated, or the way a husband repeatedly beats or cheats on his wife without remorse or consequence, or the unfathomable living conditions of several thousands .... How much more sick of it or "fatigued" must they be?  

The least I can do is try to keep seeing it and trying my best not to look away or give up on love. 

It is important for all of us that live easier, simpler, calmer lives to keep prepared ahead of time through faith, prayer, mercy, love, and forgiveness so that we can keep our hearts open when hell happens.  Thanks to Richard Rohr for so beautifully stating what is required to have a prepared heart.

IMMEDIATE POSITION - *Teaching* MKs in Haiti

New FAQ at bottom ...

**This post is updated.**

Meet our school aged kids:

Ages: 8, 9, 11, 13, 14 ~ Grades 2nd, 3rd, 7th, 8th, 8th 

These are some really REALLY cool kids that are deeply loved and cherished by their parents - they are totally different from one another. They are: wild, shy, sensitive, funny, artistic, and the good kind of peculiar and complicated. These are five wonderful kids.

We know we are biased...So let us reword...Here are normal kids that we love because they are ours. 

In the last ten years the Livesay kids have been home-schooled, gone to charter school in Waco, TX after the Haiti earthquake, and private school in Haiti.  Since August 2011 they have been taught by the same teacher who came for one-year commitment, but loved it here and stayed 4 years. (He is now teaching his final semester.)

All that history aside, the important thing is, these kids love to learn. They are good students with a desire to work hard (most days).

We need a teacher to begin in January 2016.

Just like other parents we value education and we want the best for our kids. While our situation living outside of the USA does limit our choices, we're certain there are viable solutions that will give our kids a well rounded and fun education experience.

In fact, we're so optimistic we believe our kids will likely graduate and move out some day. (Two of them have already done it and are in Texas.)  Heck, we dare to think that they might even excel as giving, caring, contributing members of society. 

If you have been reading this blog for very long you know that living in Haiti is an interesting and exciting adventure at best - also sad, difficult and draining at worst. 

Emotionally most people find themselves all over the board as they sort out what they see and experience here. We learn things every week about ourselves and our faith. This country will generally kick the butt of anyone willing to be introspective and honest about their feelings and attitudes toward the poor, hurting and marginalized. Those that apply for this position should do so knowing this will be an emotional roller coaster. 

Emotionally stable people in good physical health will do best in Haiti.

The DESIRED qualifications:

• Teaching degree/certificate
• A love of Jesus 
• At least one year prior teaching experience  (can consider those with less experience too) 
• Can provide references (personal, professional, spiritual) and demonstrate maturity - submit to a thorough background check
• Flexibility and a sense of humor to deal with less than ideal circumstances such as: heat, bugs, no hot water or no water at all, no air-conditioning, funky tropical illness, lack of electricity, political instability, limited entertainment options, etc., etc.
• Must work well living and serving in community 
• Must be a self-starter
• Ability to commit to the one semester of January to May 2016 (we will also be looking for candidates that want to apply for the 2016-2017 school year). 

Additional qualifications that are helpful:

• Hobby/Extracurricular activity that can be shared with the students such as- Piano, Guitar, Dance, Art, Foreign Language, etc.
• Two teachers that know each other and can teach and live together in one apartment are preferred - but not required - friends or a married couple would enjoy working together.

Additional Information:

1. A salary commenturate with experience will be paid. Depending upon the living arrangements there may be a need to do personal fund-raising above and beyond the salary.  We are able to house one or two teacher(s) in a small apartment/space (rent free) on the same property where school takes place. 
2. Position (and salary) could begin as early as December 1, 2015 with a target move to Haiti date of January 2016. The semester will begin by the second week of January. 
3. Best case scenario, the person hired will come spend a week or two with the kids and their current teacher THIS FALL (November) in order to become acquainted with the kids. (We understand this will be difficult to accomplish and the chosen candidate may not be able to get here this fall.)
4. Interviews will mainly take place by email and by Skype - and for final candidates in person.
5. For the next month we will be gathering information and resumes .
6. Between the five kids there are four grades represented (junior high and gradeschool). Candidates will need to find ways to work with the kids individually and collectively as needed.
7. Health Insurance not provided.
8. Teaching must be your number one priority for being in Haiti. Teaching will take 40+ hours per week. Other ministry or work is secondary and would be limited to weekends.
9. Vehicle not provided. 
10. Looking for a five month committment - January 5, 2016 to May 30, 2016  - WE will also be looking to hire a teacher for the FALL of 2016. 

To all of you that read and follow along:

We appreciate your help in spreading the word to candidates that don't read our blog but are looking for an exciting (and challenging) teaching adventure abroad.  Please share on Facebook, Twitter, and any other way you see fit.

Resumes will be accepted until November 1, 2016. Interviews via Skype will begin the week of November 2nd. Interested candidates should email Tara Livesay a resume and note of introduction at:

Livesayfamily@gmail.com 

Thanks for reading! Thanks for passing this along to the adventurous and available teachers in your life.


ADDITIONAL INFORMATION BASED OFF OF FAQs-

Yes we will consider a single teacher applicant.  We prefer two but will consider all single applicants.

The reason we think that two friends both taking the job or a married couple is ideal is two-fold.  One, teaching four different grade levels is difficult.  Two, during your evenings and weekends we are concerned that it is possible that a person could feel bored or lonely when they don't have a car to easily get around and perhaps would feel nervous to use public transportation without the necessary Creole language skills.  There are several younger and single expats in the nearby community for those that are good at extroverting. 

Salary will be based on experience and credentials.  Salary range is $500 to $800 per month plus an apartment on a very lovely and secure compound.

Only serious applicants please. 

We cover one one-way ticket to Haiti.

One week Spring Break (paid) off.

The personality of the kids you will teach ...

looking back and remembering

Last week Dr. Chris Sizemore came to spend a week in Haiti.  We all think he is the bomb because like Dr. Jen, he doesn't lord his Doctorness over us.  He came to work with us and hang out and teach us a bit. It was a blast.

In 2010 after the earthquake, this young woman showed up with a placenta abruption.  Chris was here working with Heartline doing earthquake relief medical stuff --- and it just so happens that Chris is pretty dang good at a C-Section.  Without much set-up or prep and certainly without a sterile OR, Chris was able to deliver the baby in under four minutes.  He then handed the floppy little guy over to Dr. Jen who did the PPV and got him breathing.   

(We won't discuss the mind-bender of a fact that while thousands died because of the earthquake, this young mom likely lived because of the earthquake.)

Midwives love telling stories. This story is one we tell often.  Since 2010 this Mom also had a VBAC with us at the Maternity Center.

While Chris was here last week we had a birth.  The birth was normal and without drama but it was messier than some and there was a lot of clean up to do.  Chris put on gloves and helped clean blood and amniotic fluid off the floor.  

From now on, I think this is how women should interview and choose their OB doc ... "Will you help midwives clean blood up?"   

If yes, HIRED!  

First male (besides Troy or the Dad of the baby) that was EVER allowed at a birth. 

Thank-you, Sizemore! 

Helping the Helpers

Our funny and fantastic friend April is fighting Breast Cancer.

Please read about her situation and how you can help by going here:

https://www.gofundme.com/April-sFight

honoring J & R & I on september seven

a couple of years ago we sat with isaac's first family visiting and asking questions about the beginning of his life.  on that day isaac's mom and maternal grandmother enthusiastically told him that he was born on the 7th of september, 2001.

up until that day we had been given september 11 and 18 as his possible dates of birth (differing dates on adoption paperwork). 

adoption is complicated. you have heard me say that a hundred dozen times. for his first family, there is loss and i don't imagine the sting of that *ever* goes away. 

for isaac, i am guessing most of the processing work lies ahead. one new piece of his story was brought into the light when he was given the chance to celebrate his correct birthday. 

while is his passport and everything official reads septmber 18, we learned from isaac that this date his mother and grandmother confirm as the day he was born in wharf jeremie on the cement floor of his small home, is the date that matters to him.  

we are celebrating today, on the correct date, for the second time.

watching isaac grown into his new 5'9" frame, and the distinct change in his voice this year has been quite something. He is still so filled with child-like wonder and joy ... his emotional development lags behind the physical - and none of us want to rush him.  

thankfully, his sheltered little home-school situation with a teacher and classmates that love all his wonderful peculiarities means that nobody is picking on him for being perfectly innocent and in utter awe of all of God's creation.  (teasing on occasion, yes. picking-on him, no.)

today and everyday we are so grateful that isaac's mom carried him, gave him life, still loves him, and knows him. thank you, J, for the gift you have given this world. we remember you today. we have also learned that much of isaac's joyful demeanor and carefree approach to life comes from his dad. R, we celebrate the beautiful qualities you gave your son today. we are all blessed everyday because of those things you passed on to isaac.

Happy 14th Birthday, Isaac. We hope you never lose your enthusiasm for life, your joy and wonder, your love of peace and harmony. 

The world needs you, buddy.

We need you.

xoxo - ❤mom&dad and mom&dad

Sunrise Sunset Sunrise Sunset

I walked in early this morning after a night-shift at the Maternity Center. Immediately upon slamming the big gate and entering the front yard - I wondered, "WHAT is that smell?!"

But then it hit me, my keen senses and time&experience-perfected, BadA-detective-mom-skills led me to the obvious conclusion.  

The smell of 8th grader. 


Whenever you can announce your presence in a building or home, from a great distance, that is winning.  When the announcement is made with the scent of manly musk rather than sweaty-armpit-stench, that is winning BIG.

**          **

All seven have begun the new school year, Britt and Paige (plus bonus student) began last Monday.  

The fab-five start today!

2015-2016

(UT Southwestern PA Program)

(Two for the price of one!)

(hormones galore!)

("The babies")

With their teacher, Mr. Jimmy - his 5th year teaching them

All over the world mothers and fathers are doing the too-many-feelings-combo-dance.  

We jump for joy that they are once again fully occupied (not staring at electronic devices) and moving forward in their education. We weep in sorrow, knowing the days are long - but the years are short. 

We all want to raise them with love, mercy, grace, and the right amount of discipline. None of us want to screw it all up. Before we feel finished with them, they'll be gone.

To all of you sending your small people off into the world today, take time to flail on the ground and scream, maybe cry a bit in the shower ... But then, go treat yourself to a delicious caffeinated beverage and ask someone in the coffee shop to pat you on the back in a congratulatory manner.  

This parenting gig is nothing to kid around about. See us pressing on?

We are champions, let us celebrate as such. 

drink something

It is Thursday.

Hurricane-oppressive-humidity has arrived in the Caribbean.

I am sitting at my purple desk, watching the pee cups roll in. Most women seem to have taken a quick bath in the sink after peeing in their cup. Most everyone arrives to the purple desk with water dripping off their faces.

As happens every week, pregnant women are peeing in cups and the cups are being brought to the desk to be checked for leukocytes, nitrate, protein, blood, and ketones.




It is hot in Port au Prince right now. The kind of hot that forces behavior (read: Troy) like this around 4pm every.single.day.










Everything is chafing and our skin is slick with a layer of slimy sweat.



Clean water is not all that easy to come by in much of Haiti. In order to have it, most folks have to buy it.  It's not pouring freely from indoor plumbing for the vast majority.



If a budget is tight, drinking less is the typical answer.



Drinking less when pregnant - bad idea.



Drinking less when it is über hot - very bad idea.



Most people will tell you they have a headache.  No mystery to solve there.



The most uttered words at the Heartline Maternity Center "bwe plis dlo" - drink more water.  There is nothing we force on women as much as this, there is nothing we have to work harder for in order to gain compliance.



Today Madame John will teach about all the things dehydration causes in pregnancy. She will show what dehydrated urine looks like, she will show what the urine of a well hydrated person looks like. She will sing, she will dance, she will beg and plead and demand that everyone drink 10-12 large glasses of water per day.  The women will nervously glance at each other and exchange "she crazy" looks.



As the urine shows up, I can see who got the sternest lectures last Thursday. They are producing some clear urine.  I can also tell who just started the program and hasn't yet heard that pee is not supposed to look like a Brown Ale or a Stout Beer.



"Pee-pee pa manti", Beth will tell them. (Pee doesn't lie.)

Written earlier for the website 'A Life Overseas' ...

Social Media, Volunteers, and Communication

by TARA LIVESAY originally posted on APRIL 6, 2015

The world has grown more and more connected due to technology and open communication across the world-wide web.

Thirty years ago you didn’t know what was happening with a particular friend or acquaintance serving across the world unless you got a newsletter that arrived to your mail box four to six weeks after it had been written.

Thanks to the magic of social media we now know when there has been a tragedy at any school across the globe, or a baby is being born in Haiti,  or when a child is admitted to a hospital in Madagascar, or when Ebola is ravaging Liberia.

Thanks to the Internet, our Moms know when we have a terrible tropical illness and can worry (er, I mean pray) right away rather than hear about it once the illness is all cleared up and better.

Within minutes of putting our feet on the floor each morning, if  we choose to, we can know more news than folks could gather over several weeks time 50 years ago.

Maybe that is good.  Maybe it is not.

Certainly this vastly increased connectedness has changed and influenced how we “do missions” and how we communicate with donors and family and friends “back home”.  The days of snail mailed newsletters with six-week old news are long gone. Most ministries and non-profits have a Facebook page, a Twitter account and an Instagram account. If you want the news from your favorite non-profit, you should be able to find it in a nano-second.

The ways in which social media has changed things are probably too numerous to count.  Today, I’m examining just one of those ways.

Social media, frequent updates, and the connectedness results in an increased desire and demand for visits and requests for volunteer opportunities. People see (in real-time) the exciting updates and they want to be a part of what they see.

Most of us realize that we cannot discourage or disallow potential donors from seeing the work first hand, after all most people would find it pretty sketchy if we said visitors are not allowed.  When legitimate work is happening, we want to prove that to donors as best we can. It makes sense for them to SEE it.

The question becomes, how can we communicate the nuances of our individual organization’s needs without offending or upsetting those that want to help? Sometimes not needing help can feel hurtful to an interested friend or financial partner. How can we communicate those things really well?  How can we say “We have a full-time, year-round staff. We don’t really have any work for volunteers”, without sounding ungrateful, dismissive or unwelcoming?

Where I work, we often get requests from visitors to come see a birth.  Social media and sharing the news of babies born at our Maternity Center equals a sweet level of support and much curiosity. The easiest way for me to answer those inquiries is to ask how well it would work for strangers to walk into a birth and observe it in the developed world. (However, I recognize that sounds rude, so I don’t ask anything quite like that.) 

Do any of us want to invite strangers into intimate and private moments such as the birth of a child?   Can you imagine if your OB or Midwife said, “Oh, this is So-and-so and her team. She is visiting your town this week and she/they wanted to see a baby be born in this town, so I invited her to your birth. Hope that’s okay. Ready to push?”

(Maybe materially poor people are not automatically seen as needing equal privacy or respect by those of us that are materially wealthy.  I hope that can change somehow.)

It is not uncommon for many of us working in poor countries to receive a note saying something similar to this, “What can we do, we will paint walls, build things, or do anything you want.”  How can we kindly explain that all around us there are men and women in need of work, and if at all possible we prefer to offer a chance at employment for folks hoping to feed their children in our area.  It is not that we don’t want these interested friends to see the countries we are working in; it is that we want to be cognizant of what each country needs.

Another thing I have noticed over the years, whenever we have several visitors on a clinic/program day, we communicate less with the Haitian women we serve.  Try as we might to stay on task and allow our visitors to just hang out and observe the days activities, we always end up spending much of the day speaking English and sharing information with the guests. Suddenly, several hours in, I will realize that I have not engaged with the new mother and baby in front of me in her own language because I’m being polite and chatting with the American in the room. That is my fault, not the fault of the visitor. Finding the balance is tricky.

Social Media tends to show the exciting part of our lives abroad. (Social Media doesn't communicate sleep deprivation to the point of delirium.) The snapshots we share produce an interest without giving the full picture of what is needed. This leaves us to figure out how to communicate in a way that does not turn donors away. 

The easiest way for any of us to successfully consider things from another perspective or point of view is when it is very gently and carefully explained.  Sometimes writing doesn’t allow for the very best communication to happen, a lack of tone can cause defensiveness or offense.  (We learned this the hard way. We frequently hear, “Oh, they are anti teams” based on this post I wrote several years ago – but I am not anti short-term-missions, I just think it can be done differently, more respectfully, and better.)

Over the years, as I have learned the culture of my host country and grown to love my new home, it has become increasingly more important to me to protect, love, and respect the people we work with just as we desire to be loved and protected. I’ve realized that there is an imbalance of power that allows us to do things that take advantage of our inherent power. At times it seems more loving (to Haitians) to say “no thank you” to some offers for help. Without a doubt, that has meant a loss of potential ministry partners and donors.

What about you?

As you work in your respective fields, how have you allowed visitors and short-term teams to come see your work without compromising the privacy,dignity, or needs of those you live and work with abroad?  

Do you find it difficult to communicate well without causing offense?

Is it possible to put the people you are serving first, or does a need for funding require a compromise in that area?

Do you feel like social media positively impacts your work?  Are there any drawbacks?