A Girl and Her Dog

Phoebe and Peanut enjoy holding hands. Phoebe doesn't usually go with the Irene Cara, Flashdance look ... we just caught her stretching right after a workout. She is usually much more modest.

Let's just say that ONE of the three hikers found the 8am temperatures to be too hot to make it to Petit Bwa. That person shall remain nameless, just as a courtesy. Sigh. Instead the three of us hiked to Barbancourt. Is it a "hike" if it is mainly flat? We say yes.

Troy has gone off-property to work this afternoon, leaving me the option of talking freely and openly about him -- all positive of course.

Troy's new ALL-ASIAN-COOKING-ALL-THE- TIME thing is really, REALLY nice. It does not matter that the tough Haitian beef loosened one of his molars and now he needs dental work. It does not matter that it was too spicy to eat. It simply does not matter. He learned that he likes to cook, and that is all that matters because --- I will never enjoy cooking. This whole thing got started for two reasons. 1. Matt was here and as old friends and brothers-in-law there is always competition. If Matt can do it, certainly Troy can do it. AND 2. Troy knows that Britt and I plan on eating at P.F. Changs China Bistro at least once while in the States. That really burns him. He wants to prove that he can outdo us and our fancy plans. Whatever his motivation, we're enjoying getting to know the Emeril in our man and find the whole thing to be entirely entertaining --maybe it is the show he puts on, the constant self-talk or the giddy behavior while eating his masterpiece. Bam. (Erik- Watch your back, Troy is gunning for your job.)

`

Tonight I am cooking. So of course you know: We are having Tacos.

`

This photo was taken after dinner. Isaac had just a few bites of the Mongolian Beef last night, and ... well, you see that he also needs dental work now. It's okay though. Mark Fulton, DDS is coming down from Indiana in June, which is faster than any help Ike would find here anyway. (And thanks Matt & Tina for the weird toys you brought our kids. It is still undecided if we hate the teeth or the recorders more.)

`

Isaac has been waxing philosophic lately. He's been making us laugh with all of his deep thinking about the future. Today he told us that when he is grown up, and married to Christine Chamberlain (he then added, "you know dad, your white friend Jim - his daughter") that both Troy and I would be invited to live with them. (Sorry Jim & Deb, you're homeless.) He promises us that he will take us out to eat often and that we will have our own bathroom painted in colors of our choosing. Hope said she will not be married but we can come visit her on the weekends when we get tired of Isaac. We're not saving enough for retirement, but it's okay, it seems they've got us covered. We've got no worries.

`

My favorite Isaac quote of the week:

Troy walked by and swatted my back side. I said, "Isaac, tell dad we don't beat our wife."

Isaac said "Dad - we don't beat our wife, we only beat our children."

`

Troy was helping me work on I was watching Troy work and giving suggestions as he prepared a short video presentation that Britt and I are planning to do at a church in Illinois. As we watched the final product, Noah sat attentively on my lap. Toward the end of the presentation a photo of a girl in our village came up. Noah said "Oh, that poor girl she is sad she don't have no pawents."

`

When you realize the depth of your child's understanding, especially when you think your child might be totally self-absorbed --- well, it is touching. The girl he said that about *is* basically on her own in our village. Her mother is mentally ill and of course the father is not known. I had no idea that Noah recognized the sadness around us here. I was shocked -- and to be honest, impressed. The ornery boy has a heart.

`

Have a great weekend.

Tara

Culinary Update

Cooking attempt number two was not quite as successful.

The preparation and presentation went beautifully, but I failed on a few points...

Note #1: When cooking Mongolian Beef, remember it's not called

'Haitian Beef' and therefore do not

use local beef products - they require

entirely too much mastication.

(Unless you have a penchant for chewy meats.)

Note #2: Two teaspoons of red pepper flakes is a LOT of red pepper flakes. And guess what? They are hot. And when you use a LOT of them, well, you know. When the girls first had trouble - I was sure they were just weak. But then I ate mine and couldn't stop sweating for about an hour.

(Note to self: don't just blindly follow a recipe and assume it will be how you wanted it)

Now I will enter a new realm in my burgeoning cooking career and start tweaking recipes.

I might even try again before the girls leave so I can redeem myself.

It's almost time for lunch, so I will finish off the leftovers - let the sweat begin.

-Troy

It's Thursday?

All morning long I operated under the false pretense that today is Wednesday. Paige set me straight, but needed to pull out a calendar to prove it to me. Who knew? It is sunny, warm, and humid like every other day -- I don't remember Tuesday happening. Weird.

Tomorrow the girls have convinced me that the three of us ought to set out for a hike to Petit Bwa. The photo to the right shows the path up the mountain very clearly. They're promising to go at a pace that won't produce dry-heaving.

Troy has taken the boys and gone to Port in search of some adoption paperwork and a few items for the mission. The boys were thrilled with the idea of a "guys day" and made a bee-line to get their baseball hats and sandals when Troy offered. Us ladies understand that Port au Prince has nothing to offer us and we are home working on exciting things like- laundry, sorting through stacks of office paperwork, packing, list-making, learning about verb tenses (being-action-linking-helping) and about condensation and saturation and dew points. All sort of interesting and THRILLING things like that.

`

Britt has been missing for five days, she came out of her room for a Coke today and I almost didn't recognize her - she'd grown a beard and lost a lot of weight. She is preparing to take the ACT on Saturday at a Christian School in Port. She is taking the writing portion too and is very dedicated to studying and taking all the practice tests. If you think of her on Saturday morning, toss up a prayer for clear thinking and snappy senses. She is pretty much living for the day the test is over and she can have a stress-free life again. She might also be thinking of Sunday-Tuesday and the time in Florida with a certain young man. OH, and of course time with her mother. Ah-ha. That must be what it is.

`

Have a wonderful THURSDAY evening.

~T.

Lessons from the Prayer Rock

When we get up to the rock, one of the things we've been doing is looking at a book written by a guy named Mark Batterson. Some of what we are reading in his book, In a pit with a lion on a snowy day, is so exactly where we are right now.

Pulling from the highlights of what we read yesterday (some paragraphs removed, not word for word.) Taken from pages 94-99 - here are some good thoughts.

Unanswered Questions

We all have questions we've been saving for God, don't we? Positive uncertainties produce some of the most joyful moments in life, but I don't want to make light of negative uncertainties. They are painful and stressful. Someday God will answer all of our malignant questions. Someday God will explain all of our painful experiences. Someday God will resolve all our spiritual paradoxes. In the meantime, I have a Deuteronomy 29:29 file filled with things I don't understand.

Deut. 29:29 - There are secrets the Lord God has not revealed to us.

At some point in our spiritual journeys, we run into something called reality. Simple answers don't suffice, and God doesn't fit into the nice, neat boxes He used to fit into. They psychological term for this experience is "cognitive dissonance." We experience psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs. In other words, something happens that doesn't jibe with what we believe.

Dissonance comes in two primary flavors: unanswerable questions and unexplainable experiences. And I have tasted lots of both flavors.

It is during those times that I discovered what is now one of my favorite Psalms:

Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.

That little phrase - "consider my sighing" - became a source of strength for me. I didn't know how to pray or what to say, but I knew God was considering my sighing. Even when we can't put our frustration or anger or doubt or discouragement or grief into words, God hears and translates those low-frequency distress signals we call sighs.

Maybe prayer is much more than a combination of the twenty-six letters of the English alphabet into words? I love Ted Loder's perspective in Guerillas of Grace:

"How shall I pray? Are tears prayers, Lord? Are screams prayers, or groans or sighs or curses? Can trembling hands be lifted to you, or clenched fists or the cold sweat that trickles down my back or the cramps that knot in my stomach? Will you accept my prayers, Lord, my real prayers, rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life, and not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged bouquet of words? Will you accept me, Lord, as I really am, messed up mixture of glory and grime?"

Sometimes it feels like God isn't listening, but He considers every sigh. Not only that, He is interceding for us day and night. Scripture says that God makes prayers out of our wordless sighs and aching groans.

"The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words."

Here is an incredible thought: Long before you woke up this morning the Holy Spirit was interceding for you. And long after you go to bed tonight, the Holy Spirit will still be interceding for you. That ought to change the way we wake up and fall asleep. That ought to give us the courage to chase lions.

Connecting the Dots

The greatest hazard to your spiritual health is thinking that your past is haphazard or that your future is left up to chance alone. It is anything but. I can't promise that everything will make sense on the near side of eternity, but that shouldn't shake our confidence, because our confidence isn't contingent upon our circumstances. Our confidence is contingent upon the character of God. Our circumstances may not make sense, but we know that God is planning His work and working His plan.

When I was five years old, our family went to see a movie called The Hiding Place. The movie documented the story of a woman named Corrie ten Boom who miraculously survived the Nazi concentration camps. It was after watching that movie that I took my first step of faith. As my mom tucked me into bed that night, I asked her if I could ask Jesus into my heart.

I have often wondered if Corrie questioned God. She must have. Her family was hiding Jews. Why would God allow them to be captured? Her father and sister died in the camps. How could God let that happen?

Corrie used to speak to audiences about her horrific experiences in the concentration camps, and she would often look down while she talked. She wasn't reading her notes. She was actually working on a piece of needlepoint. After sharing about the doubt and anger and pain she experienced, Corrie would reveal the needlepoint. She would hold up the backside of the needlepoint to reveal a jumble of colors and threads with no discernible pattern. And she'd say, "This is how we see our lives." Then she would turn the needlepoint over to reveal the design on the other side, and Corrie would conclude by saying: "This is how God views your life, and someday we will have the privilege of viewing it from His point of view."

Corrie could have questioned why she had to suffer in Nazi concentration camps. It didn't make sense. It was unfair. But what I do know is this: Somehow God used that suffering of a woman named Corrie ten Boom living in Holland in 1944 to lead a five-year-old boy named Mark Batterson living in Minneapolis, Minnesota, to Christ more than thirty years later. I'm the beneficiary of Corrie ten Booms unanswerable questions and unexplainable experiences.

Some of your experiences won't make sense this side of eternity, but lion chasers know that God is connecting the dots in ways they can't comprehend. Lion chasers are humble enough to let God call the shots and brave enough to follow where He leads.

Phoebe's Latest Photos

Sitting unassisted, giving her dad a nap, hanging out in her silly bouncy chair thing.

Scenes from a rainy day in the DR

Here are some of the pictures I tortured the girls to get.

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In other news, seeing the ultrasound picture on Monday was incredible - I didn't know they could show such clear pictures, and I especially didn't expect to see that here in Haiti. We could actually see each individual rib, finger, toe, and even the brain. Amazing. Plus the baby was moving around a lot, and apparently is inheriting my infectious dance moves.
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Yesterday I tried something new that entertained me. Did you know you can jump-start a vehicle using Romex electrical wire? Of course it makes sense, I realize - jumper cables are just wires anyway - but it sure felt strange and very Haitian.

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Things are going well here around the mission - I'm kind of in between one huge pile of things to do that had higher priority, and waiting to start the other huge pile of things less pressing until after the girls leave. Two weeks is a long time to go without your sweethearts and best friends. Thankfully Tara has been feeling better, and is a smokin' hot pregnant lady. I will miss her.

-

The highlight of the week, if I do say so myself, would have to be my cooking. I made Kung Pao Chicken last night and received rave reviews. I found that following a recipe is really not all that hard, and I actually enjoyed cooking. (Don't tell the girls.) The meal turned out great, and the ingredients only cost twice what we would have paid to eat out in the States. You win some you lose some. No matter - at least we added another culinary option to our sometimes sparse menu.

-

The quote that has kept me smiling lately:

"Welcome to ministry - The challenge of staying filled with joy while everyone else sucks it out of you."

-A friend who shall remain anonymous

-Troy

The Dealio

Things are crazy-busy here this week. Yesterday allowed no extra energy or time for a blog entry. Here are a few of the current highlights and happenings-

• Troy took me to the Dr. and we saw our busy baby. The ultrasound was so clear, even in the USA with Noah - we had never seen things so clearly. The baby measured 12 and a half weeks and looked great. The only shock was the six pounds I gained in 21 days. Ouch. I guess vacation and Matt's cooking are not a good combination. Thankfully I have been feeling less pukish and have been able to get back to running on the dreadmill. Some ladies still run marathons while pregnant. I am not one of those ladies. I hope to maintain six mile runs through the pregnancy, but anything longer than that is just insanity. My sister is running a marathon without me in May. I am trying to forgive her.


• Britt is all pumped up and excited to learn that she will be done with her high school course work by the end of 2007. She will then have the option of entering college in January of '08 as a sophomore based on the courses she took that doubled as college and high school credits. We were not sure how it would all work out, but yesterday she heard it looks possible to finish this year and move on right away in January if she chooses. She danced a happy jig all afternoon. I understand her desire to get going, but it is also crazy to think about her moving out and to college in 8 months. As if I don't have enough to be emotional about. Waaaaaaaahhhhhh.


• Paige is dangerously close to finishing three of her subjects leaving her with two that we'll work at for some of the summer. She looks forward to less time studying and more time socializing. We're thrilled with how well her reading, writing and math has come along this year. I believe I heard her say "Fractions are easy." I am glad she thinks so. I wish I could say that!


• We leave this coming Sunday to look at colleges in Florida, Indiana and Nebraska. In some strange way I feel that it is not me looking at college with my almost adult kid ... because that is not possible. It can't be true. In Florida we will stay with her friend Chris's family (The Bernards) in Fort Lauderdale while we look around a few days. In Indiana we are staying with the Fulton's. We'll also get to stop in IL to see the Meadows family, in Iowa City to see Jamie and Sharon and then our last stop is in Omaha, NE with my Granny Porter. She is the famous grandmother who passed along overactive sweat glands to her children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. (Noah and Paige can testify.) We like to stop in and thank her for that gift that keeps on giving every chance we get. We will exchange sweaty Porter hugs with you soon Granny! ;-)


• Chris and Leslie Rolling are taking care of Phoebe and Hope during the work-week days for Troy. That way Troy will just have two male helpers trailing him. On the weekend it will be Troy and the fantastic four all on their own.


• Troy was carrying a 110 pound sack of rice and walked straight into a cement wall. The cooks are all convinced he might perish and are begging him to lay down. He is ignoring them and has left to go buy diesel for the generator.

• These two photos (top and bottom) were taken 4 seconds apart at dinner one night in the D.R. Moods change quickly around these parts for more than one of us.

Matt - Peanut does miss you. But maybe not as much as you hoped she would. Sorry.

The Rest of the Story

The picture of the statue was taken on an "adventure" outing that I took Tara, Paige, and Hope on while we were in the Dominican Republic. On our vacation, I considered it my duty (being my father's son) to seek out all possible maps and interesting destinations in the local area. Being on a budget, I ruled out 98% of those options. One trip that intrigued me was a walking/driving tour of the local city, ending with a cable-car ride to a national park nearby. Since it rained for a few hours every day of our trip, it was hard to choose a day for this tour, but I gave in and booked it on our second-to-last day even though it was starting to rain again.

I hired a tour guide who spoke English, and off we went. I could only talk Tara and Paige and Hope into joining me. I can't say that I blame the others...especially considering the name of our guide. His name was...you guessed it....EDDIE. (You would think I'd learned my lesson by now.) Here he is:

I have to admit, I was not only looking for family entertainment at this point - I was looking for photographic opportunities. The trip paid off, as far as photos, but it was at the risk of straining family relationships. The girls were none-too-pleased as I dragged them up and down rainy streets and alleys. (You've seen some of the pictures already - it was worth it....right??) All the while our new Dominican version of Eddie is telling us totally useless information and spouting off about what an expert he is. (Just like being home in Haiti.) My favorite moment was when we got out of the van to see the historic fort guarding the bay/port of Puerto Plata. (Keep in mind this is actually a very important city historically, as the first place Christopher Columbus touched ground in the "New World". He named this port Puerto Plata - Silver Port - after the shimmering seas he found there.)

I asked Eddie to tell me about the fort. He said "It was built in 1567". I asked him what the purpose was, and why the port needed protection.

His answer: "Yes, it is very old. It has been here for a long time. Very important."

(I of course had read all the tourism/travel guides and was well-versed in the history of the area already. I learned that the fort was to protect Spains shipping interests from pirates who frequented the waters around the island of Hispanola.)

Eddie apparently knows nothing of all of that - or considered it a waste of time to engage in history lessons. Maybe it was because we were standing out in the rain.

He kept trying to talk me out of the cable-car ride, as it was raining and cloudy on the mountain. The girls were in agreement with him. I, however, could not pass up the opportunity to see the rainforest and Jesus statue at the top (and get our money's worth), or ride a cable-car through the clouds pictured below:

Here we are looking back over the city of Puerto Plata and the surrounding forest...(the girls were not impressed):

Here is the shelter we stood under after the downpour on the mountaintop started....the rainforest was beautiful and amazing, the statue was very impressive even in the clouds, I got a few nice pictures, but still - the girls were not impressed. (I should mention that it was about 45 degrees in the rain up there - frigid temperatures compared to what we're used to now. I thought it was great. The girls, of course, did not.)

We looked down over the Dominican village and saw that the homes were constructed very much like those in Haiti, mostly cement blocks and tin roofs, but with a lot more wood/lumber. The girls were not impressed.

Here is Tara faking a smile on the way back down, and Paige showing her true dismay at what I put them through:

Can you see how impressed she was with the whole experience? Even the Dominican woman in the picture wondered what was wrong with us. We eventually warmed up and then stopped at Burger King on the way home. This may have been the highlight of the tour - at least the girls were finally distracted from plotting my demise.

I'll post my other pictures from the tour later...you can be the judge of whether the tour was worth it or not. I say yes.

The girls, still, are not impressed.

-Troy

He Is Risen

Isabel National Park

Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic

Saturday Stuff

This morning from 9am to 1pm Troy taught Pastor's Training. He is not necessarily gifted in this area (his words not mine) so it always presents a challenge for him. He does a really good job of preparing and praying about what he should say and allowing for the teaching to move from the notes and meet the needs of the day. I think he is darn hot in his teaching role ... but that is neither here nor there. When he came upstairs to get water at break time, Isaac said "There is our daddy-pastors training guy!" See, we all think he is a babe in that role.

Today it all went well. He did mention that he did not so much appreciate being at the front of the church and having Noah wander in, walk straight to the front of the stage in the middle of the training and say "Daddy, come see this. There is a dead rat out here. I want you to come shoot at it." He had on batman goggles and a Superman cape to make the announcement. He must feel that it is his right to interrupt 70 adult men to make important dead rodent discoveries and share them with his dad. We are still trying to figure out why he wanted Troy to shoot an already dead rat.

It is cloudy and humid here today, we're watching the cool Easter weather in Minnesota and feeling glad we don't have to wear our new sundresses that Tina brought us in that weather.

Happy Easter to all and to Kris Meadows and Lisa Slater - Happy Birthday!!!!!!!

Easter Weekend

Matt made some fancy stir fry thing tonight. He is photographed prepping his vegetables. We wish he could stay here. Porter spent the day with the flu but seems better now and ready to fly tomorrow. (Thanks for praying for him Mom/Grandma.)

Hope spent five hours of her day having this masterpiece created. We have not done extensions since we moved here so she is VERY excited with all her extra hair. We decided it was best to get her all beautified for the time when the three hair-dressers are all gone at once later this month. She sits so patiently and uncomplaining while her her is being braided. She loves to have the hair added in and clearly understands the concept that beauty takes time. ;-)

We're planning to attend Easter Sunday service in Port au Prince and have Easter lunch with three other missionary families afterward. They tell us they're even planning an egg hunt for the kids. Isaac is a serious egg-hunter so he'll be thrilled with this news.

In many ways it is nice to be removed from the overdone commercialism that holidays with significant meaning have become. It is easier here, to forget about bunnies and chocolate, and keep it about thankfulness for Jesus dying on a cross for our sin and then being risen from the dead to give us hope for the future. We hope your Easter weekend is meaningful and blessed by a very real sense of how much God loves you... enough to send His son.

Matthew 28:1-10 After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me." (NIV)

More Pics from the DR

Guest Blogger Alert

Our guest blogger can be found here.

Matt Cleary is our brother in law, friend, uncle, and personal chef. We miss lots of things about MN but one of the big ones last fall -- was missing Friday night football games. We go to watch the coach, who never disappoints - the rest of it is just icing on the cake.

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Please welcome Coach Cleary.

Tina and Matt and Porter will return to Minnesota tomorrow.

Ebony & Ivory

...living together in perfect harmony, side by side on their keyboard, Oh Lord .... why don't we?

There is your cheesy old song for today. Porter and Phoebe are okay with each other, we just don't know that they'll every compose music together. But they are two cousins in need of a decent bra.

Sorry for the lack of words yesterday and today. We went to dinner last night. On the way home I got sick (it wasn't pretty) and thought it was pregnancy related. It ended up being the stomach flu and I've been in bed all day. Britt has it now too. I feel a little better at hour 18 so hopefully it is a quick thing. We are praying no one else will get it --- it comes on fast and is not very kind in the first eight hours. Morning sickness sounds nice right about now.

Troy has taken Matt and Tina to the open market in Arachaie and over to check on the well at the Barbancourt property. We've got a bunch of nappers so the timing worked out well for them to go.

More when we can ... and hopefully a guest blogger soon.

-Tara

Doors of the Dominican

Short Bits of Random

Paige and Tina and Matt left very early to hike up to Petit Bwa. Britt couldn't get her buns out of bed. They were all up and ready to go before the sun ever got hot.

Everything went very well without us here last week. The only complaints when we returned were more of the personal-conflict nature and not something Troy would have jumped to be involved in anyway.

The attorney went and represented Troy in court last week while we were gone, we still don't know the outcome. Construction has begun on a trade-school at the LaDigue property. It is spring-break here this week, meaning no school kids, just the feeding program is operating.

I will nag Troy incessantly until he posts DR and other new photos.

Matt gets a little nutty with his cooking. He was listing off the ingredients he would need ... I said, uh -- "you're in Haiti there buddy, and you are two hours from the Westernized grocery store so knock it off with the curry, fresh basil, and artichoke hearts already." As it turned out Troy took him 20 minutes to Williamson to a gas station to buy a fine bottle of white wine for his sauce. He pulled off an amazing dinner and we've decided to take him away from his teaching and football coaching career and hire him as our personal chef in Haiti. We just need to find some people to support him and we're all set.

We've griped often enough about the annoying shopping system in Haiti. The way sometimes, in certain stores, you cannot touch the items, the store clerk must go find them for you and on and on. Then once in line there are all sorts of silly things that happen.

Troy and I were in Deli-Mart the other day. The Deli Mart store is newer. They have two and a half feet conveyor belts to set your groceries on ... only, the conveyor belt does not actually move. If you set 15 items down, only the first five items are in easy reach of the cashier. There is an unwritten rule in Haiti. It says this: Customers are not all that important and cashiers should not have to move their arms very much. Once the five items have been rung through, the customer needs to take the next items on the non-moving conveyor belt and move them up to the cashier. She will just sit and watch you until you move them. It does not matter if you are a mom with two small children and full hands, the cashier DOES NOT move groceries for you. Period.

It is not that big of a deal. It isn't really. But, for whatever reason -- it pushes all my buttons and annoys me greatly. The next time I am at Deli-Mart I am going to stare back at the cashier and see how long it takes to win. I will change this system yet. Or I won't - and instead I will be stuck in a long staring contest. I'll let you know how it goes.

MOM- The camera with the photos of Phoebe and Porter is M.I.A --- when we find it you'll know.

Have a good day.

T.

Dumping multiple weeks of thoughts...

I am far from a secretive person. If anything, I am too open and sometimes my openness is not wise. My mother wrote me recently and said "well Dear daughter, no one will ever wonder how you feel about things." Maybe that is why writing has been fun for me, it is an outlet to feel it and work things through. All of that is just to say, keeping anything secret is impossible for me. In past pregnancies (I have had five prior to this one) I spilled the news at week five every time. This time around I did not even learn I was pregnant until more like six or seven weeks. I was so taken off guard by it that I could not share it until I could come to a place where it felt real.

I went back and read my mid February posts. All the crying, fatigue, emotional craziness ... I had no idea I had such a good reason for all of it until February 23. It was good to realize that crying every day for three weeks was not just my being tired of Haiti and needing a break. It is a little thing, but I was so discouraged with my intolerance of everything and everyone that it was good to have some sort of vindication for acting like a nut-ball.

The day I finally stopped my denial and took a pregnancy test - Troy was not home. I had not told him I suspected anything. I sort of thought it might be negative (denial is a powerful thing.) When I walked back in the room and saw the two lines... I was transported into a cheesy Lifetime Television Drama, as the main character ... I literally dropped to my knees and started crying.

When Troy got home I took him up to the prayer rock, away from the kids and employees. I had an envelope in my hand with the test in it. He said he thought I was showing him some sort of letter that said we had been fired from the mission. When he opened the envelope and saw the test he started laughing. Like a hyena. Then he sat there like a truck just hit him.

In 2001 a Dr. told us we would not have babies without huge and expensive infertility measures. That is when we gave up on infertility treatment and came to Haiti to adopt. Having struggled with infertility I am not insensitive to others who face that battle ... and I know that it is hard for a person who wants so much to have a baby to hear that I was not instantly thrilled with the news. Don't find me totally clueless, I get what losing a baby feels like and I get how maddening infertility can be. I just had a few weeks of panic. It goes along with being human.

We spent the next two days in a fuzz. My Dad was the only one we told. He was here to watch it unfold first hand. The crying jags continued, more pronounced morning sickness added in and things were tough. I wrote blog posts to encourage myself ... How big is my God?

There were many days when the conversation with God went like this:

God- I know you are in this. BUT. Here is the thing. I prayed and prayed and waited on Phoebe. For ten weeks I waited to find her. I even felt like I did a sort of good job at trusting you and your answers while I waited. I loved the way you delivered her to us in your God-sized way. I knew you were in it. I am so thankful for that answer to prayer. I know you love me. But. The thing is God. Uh. How do I say this ... I asked you for one baby. Not two. Does that make you mad? I just don't know if I can have two babies and seven kids. I'm scared. I did not plan for this. What are we going to do? How can we possibly do this? Why do you trust me with this? God... Do you know how HOT it is in Haiti? I am not one of these ladies that loooooves pregnancy. Did I mention it is hot in Haiti? Do I even have what I need to do this well? Please Help Me Lord.

Your scared and faithless child,

Tara

I share that only to point out, the mind takes you weird places when you are afraid. I spent the last part of February and early March very afraid. The combination of my Mom and sister and Dad and Troy and a few close friends being happy and encouraging me -- that with God we CAN handle another child -- that helped me climb out of my fear-pit. Since mid March I have been much more excited about the news ... still incredulous at how God works, but excited and looking forward to seeing how He will work out the eight billion logistics. When I saw the baby on ultrasound on March 20, I cried. All the denial I still harbored went out the window. God gave us this baby, the same way He gave me my other six children ... planned or unplanned - I cannot question His plans for this family. He has never disappointed me yet. When I said "God. is. crazy." I meant, crazy good. And crazy creative.

In all of this lies my test. How big is my God?

We will not legally be able to remove Phoebe from this country in time for this baby to be born. Not even close. There are lots and lots of logistics to work out, and we don't plan to leave Phoebe back in an orphanage ... so it will get interesting. None of us are ready to leave Haiti for good later this year. We are praying God will make a way for all the details to work out, that He will remove obstacles and show us the way. There are decisions for Britt and Paige and our house and this mission ... we need patience and wisdom far beyond what we possess.

I was so clear when we moved here that God was directing it, I do not get that same clarity about leaving here.

After talking to my USA OB Doc and meeting a very good Haitian OB -- we all agree having the baby in the states is wiser. The placenta abrubption and Noah's emergency c-section delivery make things a little riskier at delivery time. Plus, the Haitian Doc would want to do a c-section and I'm not down with that.

Please pray for all of us. I know you do ... I just think that as we wait for answers to questions and figure out finances and decide who will live where and when and ... and - and ... I just think we'll need big-time discernment and a REALLY HUGE sense of humor. Both Troy and I were amazed by the number of people who said "I sense things are really hard right now and we're praying for that specifically today." That was totally cool, to see God use people (some we've never met) to encourage us. We're blessed to have such a solid support system.

There is some irony in the numbers. 17 years ago I gave birth to a unplanned baby. 17 years later I will do it again. I am an old, oooold, old woman to be doing this. ;-) or so it seems at times.

Our kids have been so hilarious. Britt figured it out very early. I told Paige right away after that, not wanting her to be mad that Britt knew. Paige wins the award for cheese when it comes to the initial response. She said "MOM !!!! I have always wanted to be like Seventh Heaven (a TV show - family with seven kids that she loves), you made my dream come true!" Isaac just keeps doing his rain-man thing and saying "Mom is having a baby after I turn six." Hope looked at the ultrasound photo on the fridge and said to Troy, "Daddy, I really love that baby. I hope when she comes out she does not have blood all over her face." Hope knows a little bit about child-birth. :) Noah just requests a boy this time. Phoebe is FIVE months old today. She is just happy to be loved and fed. God is good. She is so sweet.

We're excited. We're abundantly blessed. We feel God's love. We're nervous. We're praying for the health of this baby. We want God's plan.

Now we wait to see what that is.

~Tara

Matt is cooking tonight. He is an awesome cook. We stayed up until 1:30 talking last night. When my sister is here I cannot make wise sleeping decisions. It is so fun having them here. Mom - We will put photos of Porter and Phoebe up soon. Troy and Matt were friends in college and lived together when they went to the University of MN --- then when Troy and I got engaged we introduced Matt and Tina ... and the rest is history. Now Troy's close friend is also his brother in law. Isn't that fun?

Message Decoded - Revealing # 7

We have sooooo much to share and say about this most surprising (read: shocking) news that we've been keeping quiet for a number of weeks. But we don't have the time to say it right now.

For now, we'll just say ...

God. is. crazy.

He makes up crazy plans without consulting us.

AAAAAAAHHH. Yikes.

:)

Wheel of Fortune Blog Style

Can you decode the important message?

Eight Word Phrase below ...

I - has been filled in for you.

First eligible person to email us (or comment in the comment section) the correct answer wins a large prize.



_ N

_ N E _ _ E _ T E _

L I T T L E

_ E _ _ _ N

_ _ _ _ L _

_ _ _ I _ E

I N

_ _ T _ _ E _ !


Can't solve it? Buy a vowel or a consonant in the comment section.

On the honor system ...

Vowels are a $20.00 donation to http://www.heartlineministries.org/ (paypal donating option available at the site)

and

Consonants are a $10.00 donation to "RHFH" - send to Real Hope for Haiti, P.O. Box 23, Elwood, IN 46036 (The Zachary's)

No "anonymous" buying of vowels & consonants, if you choose "other" in the comments section you can type in your name without being registered with blogger. Hopefully this will encourage our Wheel of Fortune fundraising effort for these two ministries to work.

Only those who bought at least one letter are eligible to solve the puzzle. We will fill letters in - in the order we receive the requests.

We will also match whatever is donated to each of the two ministries.

The House is Louder

Matt and Tina and one of their two sons (Porter) arrived safely. They brought Hope, Isaac and Noah each their own recorder. They have been asked to leave. :-/

The recorder is not an appreciated musical instrument in these parts.