Lately there are so many things going on in my head, I find it difficult to ever grab onto them and write.
Sharing cute Livesay kid stories is easy, writing about Haiti and thoughts on things happening here is much more difficult.
`It is as if my thoughts are a carrot on a stick ... Dangling in front of me - but juuuust out of reach. I never get to truly chomp on them. They are there ... floating around ... but without ever catching up to them I cannot fully express myself well.
In reality there are 100 carrots on 100 sticks ... and it all gets muddled and intermingled and no sense can be made of it. It is all connected in some way ... But not as easily as a dot to dot puzzle. Putting it together requires concentration and writing ability that I don't possess.
`
I think we're at a crossroads in many ways. We're at the two year mark and things that once seemed really important to us when considering Haiti and the needs now seem less important; and vice versa. We've grown a bit. We've got much more of that to do. We understand some things sooo much better, yet other things still totally perplex us.`
`
We're spending time really thinking about the future and what we believe in and what we want to do with our lives. So much of the first year was spent running in circles not understanding the culture. So much of the second year was spent understanding more but needing to watch and listen and learn. The learning phase continues. There is always more to learn and more experiences needed to mold your approach and temper your charge. The trick is balancing it all with love, mercy and grace. So often the frustration of it all kicks your butt and leaves you wishing you'd done better.
`And as is often the case here, some times doing what you think is right amounts to zero change and more than occasionally, no tangible result at all can be seen.
`Often times people will say "that is just a band aid" or " you should do it this way" and often they are right. So much of what all humanitarian and missions do here is indeed a "band aid." We've never sat looking around at the efforts being made and said, "Oh my gosh - look at all of us - we are saving this village or that area from X Y or Z." Not at all. There are even days when you really truly wonder if the efforts being made might be pointless. Some people will tell you it is better than nothing, others will say give it up, go away. Both of them are right, Neither of them are right.
`So much of what the world reads and knows about Haiti is statistic based. I noticed the other day that Jen commented that statistics don't move people to care. Stories, real live humans, the intersection of lives ... that is what moves people. I can blabber on and on about how poor Haiti is - give you ratings and ranking. But who really cares?`
If I tell you about my ongoing and tortured thoughts about a young boy who died last September maybe it will seem more important. Statistics are just numbers. Jean was a real live person.
`When we first moved here plenty of things disturbed me. Each situation and each little child can break your heart. The sick kids, the disabled, the mentally ill and the elderly break it and then stomp on it. Most of it we've grown a bit numb to, but some stories just plague me. I need resolution of some sort and it cannot be found.
`Jean was born into a typical family. His mother had many children; too many to care for really. His father had another woman/wife and other children. He became ill as a young boy and eventually it was discovered that he was HIV positive. There are many unknowns about how it all occurred but what we do know is enough.
`We know he was terribly sick and could not walk for many years. We know his family did not know how to deal with him. We know he was neglected. We know he was angry. We know he was difficult to work with. We know he hurt physically. He had terrible sores and skin problems and often great pain. We know he hurt emotionally. He was teased, ignored, used and abused. We know the options for him were slim to none. We know he died around the age of 17. We know he deserved better. Changing his reality never happened. What was offered to him was not enough.
`His story cannot be packed up nicely and put away. It's an ugly story of a sad existence.
`Jean died while we were on furlough. He would have died had we been here. As I see his brothers and sister, nieces and nephews I wonder about it all. Do they feel the anger and helplessness that I feel when I think about his life? What do they think? It must feel good to not have to see it anymore.
`One of the most heartbreaking things for me is to see the way these situations are such a part of everyday life, every family has their Jean story. No one rails at the injustice ... It is their way of life. The lack of resources is such a constant truth and reality that no one even expects to find a Doctor, find medicine, find good options. I will never reconcile that.
I see kids being raised without anyone truly taking responsibility for their care. It is like they subscribe to the "it takes a village" philosophy -- but to the extreme- in that - the whole village knows who the kids are but often times there is no true "responsible person." Three year old kids wander around alone. A year here with an aunt, a year there with Grandma ... How do they feel loved or secure?
Then there are the less serious frustrations --- not less frustrating, just less serious.
Last year we had a huge amount of clothing piled up that had been donated. We sorted through it and got rid of the things that we would be annoyed to see in a garage sale. (Editorial- I don't know why people give junk for Jesus - but we do. Why give Jesus the junk? )
We thought long and hard about how to distribute the clothing. We prayed about it, we considered all that could go wrong. We knew it was important not to just toss it out and have mass confusion. It also seemed wrong to let clothing sit in a warehouse when people could be using it, enjoying it. After literally months of thinking it through we had a team help organize a nice store type setting. We had a room of kid clothes, a room for women and an area for men. It was all folded or hanging and easy to choose from. We recognized that giving it away would mean that the first ten people might take all of it, regardless of the need, and then maybe go sell it. That would leave many angry. We recognized that selling it for too much would mean the neediest would not get anything. It was a tough decision. Troy joked about carrying up the mountain and leaving it to whatever lucky person found it ... just to be done contemplating the options. In the end we sold it for a tiny amount. We limited it to five items per person, hoping that more could benefit. We tried to think of every way possible to make it go well and make it be "fair." The small amount of money would benefit the church and would go into the church offering. We felt good about our plan. The sale began. The plan proved to be full of holes. People were upset they could only get five things. People were upset that if they had five kids we would not let each kid they brought with them pick five things too. (That was not allowed the first day of the sale.) There was pushing to get into the rooms. People were mad that the employees of the mission had looked first. People tried to cheat the system. It was not fun. It seemed that no one was happy. We cried at the end of the third and final day of the sale.
`
That story is more than a year old, and I have never had the heart to share it. It exemplifies all the ways things can often go here. You try and try and think it might be helpful or good ... But then you find out you're dead wrong. I cringe every time someone hands us a bag of clothing. They look at me like I am a jerk for not being thrilled with it, but I know something they don't.
`
None of the frustrations mean people should quit caring or quit trying. I don't believe that for one second. The mandate to care for the poor, the widow ... the orphan. It is clear. It is just good to note that there is no set formula for what is right and what is wrong when attempting to DO SOMETHING about poverty. Of course there are 99 great arguments against hand-outs and of course there are 99 beautiful reasons (read: real live people) to give.
I guess what I am trying to say is this:
You really cannot do anything without constantly checking your motives, praying and asking the Lord for clear direction, and making a ton of mistakes.
We're ready for another year like that.
:)
I could have skipped the whole thing and just jumped to the point.
God Bless you on your journey too,
Tara
Hebrews 12: 1-3
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
I see kids being raised without anyone truly taking responsibility for their care. It is like they subscribe to the "it takes a village" philosophy -- but to the extreme- in that - the whole village knows who the kids are but often times there is no true "responsible person." Three year old kids wander around alone. A year here with an aunt, a year there with Grandma ... How do they feel loved or secure?
Then there are the less serious frustrations --- not less frustrating, just less serious.
Last year we had a huge amount of clothing piled up that had been donated. We sorted through it and got rid of the things that we would be annoyed to see in a garage sale. (Editorial- I don't know why people give junk for Jesus - but we do. Why give Jesus the junk? )
We thought long and hard about how to distribute the clothing. We prayed about it, we considered all that could go wrong. We knew it was important not to just toss it out and have mass confusion. It also seemed wrong to let clothing sit in a warehouse when people could be using it, enjoying it. After literally months of thinking it through we had a team help organize a nice store type setting. We had a room of kid clothes, a room for women and an area for men. It was all folded or hanging and easy to choose from. We recognized that giving it away would mean that the first ten people might take all of it, regardless of the need, and then maybe go sell it. That would leave many angry. We recognized that selling it for too much would mean the neediest would not get anything. It was a tough decision. Troy joked about carrying up the mountain and leaving it to whatever lucky person found it ... just to be done contemplating the options. In the end we sold it for a tiny amount. We limited it to five items per person, hoping that more could benefit. We tried to think of every way possible to make it go well and make it be "fair." The small amount of money would benefit the church and would go into the church offering. We felt good about our plan. The sale began. The plan proved to be full of holes. People were upset they could only get five things. People were upset that if they had five kids we would not let each kid they brought with them pick five things too. (That was not allowed the first day of the sale.) There was pushing to get into the rooms. People were mad that the employees of the mission had looked first. People tried to cheat the system. It was not fun. It seemed that no one was happy. We cried at the end of the third and final day of the sale.
`
That story is more than a year old, and I have never had the heart to share it. It exemplifies all the ways things can often go here. You try and try and think it might be helpful or good ... But then you find out you're dead wrong. I cringe every time someone hands us a bag of clothing. They look at me like I am a jerk for not being thrilled with it, but I know something they don't.
`
None of the frustrations mean people should quit caring or quit trying. I don't believe that for one second. The mandate to care for the poor, the widow ... the orphan. It is clear. It is just good to note that there is no set formula for what is right and what is wrong when attempting to DO SOMETHING about poverty. Of course there are 99 great arguments against hand-outs and of course there are 99 beautiful reasons (read: real live people) to give.
I guess what I am trying to say is this:
You really cannot do anything without constantly checking your motives, praying and asking the Lord for clear direction, and making a ton of mistakes.
We're ready for another year like that.
:)
I could have skipped the whole thing and just jumped to the point.
God Bless you on your journey too,
Tara
