Our second delivery in 12 hours happened at 2:30 a.m last night. The baby girl is beautiful and did so well from the minute she first entered the world. (Again, I will add a link to Beth's photos. when I can.) The Momma, named Jenes, was easily one of the most profoundly sad people I have ever met. Beth and I kept doing our dorky jokes and trying to get her to crack a smile, but nothing. About six hours into her time laboring with us at the clinic we asked some more questions and she reminded us that her husband and the father of all four of her children was killed on January 12th and his body has never been recovered. He was at work downtown and the building he was in collapsed. She has spent the last two months waiting for news, but none came. We could tell that having this baby girl was incredibly emotionally painful for her, as you can imagine. We could not make Jenes smile, we could not heal her heart ... we can only pray that God will - in time - help her to heal and to smile again. Please Lord, hear our prayer.
I woke up this morning feeling absolute dread. It is almost time to head back to the other reality, and I do so with a heavy heart. I wish I knew exactly what bothers me most about it. It could be leaving our home with all of our "earthly possesions", including most of the sentimental and meaningful things I have kept and transported to Haiti after we sold our MN belongings. It could be leaving our big dopey dog. It could be the uneasy and unfair feeling of abandoning Jeronne and Tipap. It could be leaving Beth for I don't know how long. It could be that I feel like an alien. It could be that I won't be at PAP Fellowship next Sunday and I won't see our friends there. It could be leaving the people of Haiti that I admire and am inspired by and long to be here with ... Or, it could be all it.
I am so aware that I need to accept this. I am just not feeling acceptance today. Please Lord, help me get it together.
And off I go again.
tara
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Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it. -erwin lutzer
11 comments:
Praying for you Tara. I can see where it would be hard each time you leave because Ayiti ;) is your home now. It's where you live, what you're used to, and where you've raised your children and formed amazing bonds with the incredible people. Hearing about all you're doing and going through is amazing. All these precious babies you're helping to bring into the world. All the people who are hurting, but you're touching their lives. God has given you to these people and I guarantee they would all say you are such a blessing, and I know you'd say the same about them.
Love & Hugs,
Jenny
Praying...."...soar high in the skies, O God! Cover the whole earth with your glory! And for the sake of the one you love so much, reach down and help [her] - answer [her]"; Ps 108:5-6, The Message
Love, Brad and Deb
Hard, so hard. Feeling it all with you...
Maybe what you're also missing is the familiar family rhythms... the ebbs and flows of life... wake-up times, meal times, comings and goings, school times, date nights, down times... life's GROOVE...
Maybe now is the time to establish a "new normal?"
(((Hugs)))
It is surely all of the reasons you've listed and then some - you have been, and are again being, evacuated against your will and I have never seen when this is easy to accept or to handle or to understand or to share with anyone else.
Tara, I so feel for you with this. I cannot even imagine... and yet, I kinda can imagine... and I know I'd be just as much of a wreck over all of this as you are. I know it is no solace, but we (me-- and surely others too?) are out here in the universe feeling just a little bit of your burden with you. You are understood and you are not alone.
Your friend,
H
I'm right there with you, my friend.
Maybe by allowing that you loose all you mentioned above, He will take you to a place where only you and He are, alone. That beautiful place where nothing else matters than being with him. When you are perfectly at home no matter which place on earth because he lets you see and feel the fact that Jesus is in you and you in Him.
Thanks for your blog, i follow since the Earthquake and lern a lot. Please forget and delete my comment if it's offensive for you..
Okay, I've been following your blog and praying for each of you since the 13th. I finally registered so I can say personally......gosh, I don't even know what to say. I have only my groans and utterings to offer you, dear, battered, brave one. Groans and utterings all over you and yours. Con mi corazone entiro, Suenogrande
wow...I just read through most of your blog...
I wasn't prepared for the flood of memories that grabbed my heart and pulled me in...I can so relate to how you are feeling, but from the perspective of a child that was ripped from the home she new most and brought back state side...even today, at 35...i still feel out of place. When I think of what God is calling my husband and I too...part of me feels so complete and happy...the other part of me feels absolute dread of what I'm getting ready to do to my kids.
all i can say is i'm praying for you and your family...AND I was once a child that felt like my world got tousled...but i think i'm a better grown up for it. your family is amazing to me, and i'm pretty sure that even as you question God from every side ... up and down...He thinks you're pretty amazing too. have a safe trip.
I so appreciate your truthfulness in the feelings you are having about leaving. I can only imagine how hard this is.
I will pray that God will give you acceptance that this is His plan - for now. Who knows what He has in store.
I Thess. 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
If you're meant to be there- you will be there. If you need to be in TX until the paperwork is done, then that means there is a deadline. I find that no matter how bad or vague the plan may be, if I have a plan, any plan, then I feel much better. Perhaps this stay in the US is a regrouping before your return?
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