Why is she talking about this again?
She is talking about this because it eventually becomes a thing for half the population. By all means, please, don’t read this if it does not apply to you.
If you will ever, in the history of always and forever, know a female that is age 40 to age 55, it applies to you.
Those that know zero females that are currently that age and they also think everyone they know will die at age 40, you are free to leave now. Sorry about your loss.
My doctor recently told me perimenopause is a term that pharmaceutical companies made up. He said there is before menopause and you know, NORMALish life, and then there is menopause - like you are done forever with bleeding and having a cycle.
Uh. Okay??? So the years in between are not called anything?
Whatever, I am talking about this thing that apparently is only created by Big Pharma. It is a thing to me because I am in that middle time where I am unsure of what the heck each day will be because I am more like a yo-yo than any human thing.
Uh. Okay??? So the years in between are not called anything?
Whatever, I am talking about this thing that apparently is only created by Big Pharma. It is a thing to me because I am in that middle time where I am unsure of what the heck each day will be because I am more like a yo-yo than any human thing.
I feel it is my duty to prepare all of my 20 and 30 something friends for what is to come. I know that you are tempted to read this and think, Ah, she’s just being over the top and silly. No. No, Not what I am being. I am being real with you. Dead.Serious.Real.
Okay, so first, you’re going to gain some weight in the middle section of your body. You’re going to think, “Am I imagining this?” You’re going to realize you are not. It’s not a big deal, because you have shit to do and some extra adipose tissue is not going to stop you from being totally amazing. It might cause you to leave your top button undone on your jeans. That’s all. No big thing. Carry on.
Second, you are going to go from having your periods at an interval you can predict, to having them whenever. Maybe you’ll have them every 15 days, then take 60 days off, then that will be boring and it will toss you a new and exciting surprise that is not at all a pattern.
You don’t get to move away from (Big Pharma created) perimenopause until you miss 12 whole months in a row of having your period.
You don’t get to move away from (Big Pharma created) perimenopause until you miss 12 whole months in a row of having your period.
Everyone says that once you are done with this middle time, it gets easier. Everyone better not be lying. If I live through the next five years and eventually reach true menopause, I expect life to be glorious non stop.
Third, you are going to do so many embarrassing things and people are going to mock the heck out of you. Those people are your family and maybe you don't even need them. Who's to say?
If you do not have thick skin, get to work on changing that. Go drag your hands and feet over hot coals. You are going to need the thickest skin to endure your idiocy and the mocking material it will provide your loved ones.
If you do not have thick skin, get to work on changing that. Go drag your hands and feet over hot coals. You are going to need the thickest skin to endure your idiocy and the mocking material it will provide your loved ones.
EXAMPLES that Have been said to have happened -
1. You might get up one morning early and put your contacts in your eyes. You might then leave the house and go do a little bit of work or some errand or something of that sort. You might come back home and jump in the shower. You might rub your eye wrong and one contact in your eye will twist up funny. You will maybe call your husband to come take that contact to the case on your dresser. After you shower and get dressed you might walk over and put the contact back in your eye. About two minutes later you might go over to the dresser and start to look for your contact, because you think you cannot see and you need it. You might say to your husband, who might have the name Troy, "Hey, did you put my contact in here when I asked you?" That husband might say, "Yep. I did." Then, I have been told, you might tell him he did not. You might act like a jerk and say, "Well, it is not here." Then you might really dig yourself in deep and just claim he must have dropped it. THANKS A LOT you might say. THAT WAS MY LAST RIGHT EYE contact I had. Then maybe your friend, who sort of knows you well might say, "I think you put it in your eye again already." Then, maybe you'll see that the contact is in your damn eye already. Then you will go bake yourself some humble pie while you eat crow.
2. You might need to use a calculator to do some math on an accounting report and you might repeatedly open up your phone and start using the dialing pad of your phone to add numbers and then after you put in twenty six dollars and you go to find the add button you'll be so confused because the place where you dial your phone does not have that function. You'll switch to your calculator but that will not be something you only do once. You might need someone to tell you to just stop using your phone as a calculator because it is too frustrating for you.
3. You will write yourself notes. You will think you are brilliant to be writing it down to help you later. That's hilarious. You are not brilliant. You are bad at writing reminders that help you remember. Your notes section of your phone will be filled with meaningless incomplete and unhelpful blurbs such as:
- Contact Knoxville person, knows Anne and Melissa
- Umba dra umba tab
- Cold sore - Valtrex - risk HSV ensephalitis
- The wart something dot com
- Crying out for justice
- Civil engineer design waste water pump station
- May 19
- Taco burrito what you got in that speedo?
- Things I can't handle for 400, Alex
4. Perhaps you will get a gift certificate for your 46th birthday for a store you love. You will buy your favorite smelling lotion at 8pm on a Friday night. Maybe after that you will use the lotion on Saturday morning around 10am and then maybe you'll never ever know where it went and you will never see it again. You are a person that loses $10 of brand new lotion. If your kid did that, you'd be uber ticky about it. So don't tell your kid you lost brand new expensive lotion. Make a call to the hotel you stayed at and listen as the front desk person acts like you are an idiot to want to know if you lost lotion in their hotel room. LOTION?? Uh. Okay, I'll check lost and found. He doesn't understand so just give him grace after you swear under your breath.
