Sometimes we do things we don't want to do because we HAVE TO (to keep our job, or make a living or whatever.) But other times we do it because we know it is right and what God is asking of us. In those situations it is less about HAVE TO and more about obedience.
I can remember being a kid and knowing that I should share Jesus with a friend. I can remember having a tummy ache while I worked up the nerve to bring up the subject.
I recall vividly times where I knew I was supposed to do something, but I ignored the prompting and ignored God. Those times were MORE uncomfortable than the times where I listened and followed through.
While "7" (the current baby name) and I were on the treadmill today, (the location where all honest introspection seems to take place) it occurred to me that I have absolutely no desire to see Jean every day. No desire to look at his sad little skinny frame, no desire to rub lotion all over that scaly skin. I don't want to do it. While I was on the treadmill I was dreading my 4pm appointment with him.
Awful. . Yes.
Selfish. . Yes.
I recently wrote about how annoyed I was with a lady who came here to Haiti to the cruise port and said "I don't want to think they are hungry, I don't want to see it." It is now apparent that I do this on some level, even living here in the midst of it. I don't want to see how pathetic Jean is. It is hard and I don't like what it makes me feel.
Having said all of that, I know that for weeks God has been bringing Jean to my mind and bringing that family into our day to day stuff much more often than in the past. I know that in the past I ignored it and on some level was glad when he did not show up. I know that *I* (not Britt, not Troy, not anyone else) am supposed to take on the long-term "project" (for lack of a better term) of Jean. I know that I am not to ignore it anymore, I am not to be ticked at the Mom, and I am not to make excuses. I need to do this one thing no matter how uncomfortable, how out of my element, it makes me feel.
At this point, it has more to do with me doing what is required of me to be obedient, and less about Jean and his sad situation. It's some little test of how I will obey and do something that kind of grosses me out and makes me feel inadequate all at once. I know this. I had a heart-to-heart with the Lord on the treadmill and I know what is required.
The results for Jean may be positive, they may not. That is God's area of expertise. I can leave that to Him. The results for me are yet to be determined, but I am guessing there is something I need to learn. If being uncomfortable will teach me something, then that is what I will be.
Honest introspection that digs up ugly things about yourself is not necessarily fun ... but in order to be truthful and be accountable, I decided to share the ishy side of myself.
-Tara
