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Last Saturday around noon I was in a hurry to pick up the Harbor House gals and their babies and get back to my house. (You know, so people could get busy trying to drown.) Two women approached me and began to try to explain what they needed/wanted. I made a quick decision that they were begging for food or money and decided not to listen. I told them that our program is for pregnant women and women with young babies. I told them I did not have anything for them. We pulled away and left them.
On Monday the same ladies were camped in the same spot. They asked if they could talk to me. I was walking from Harbor House after just finishing a meeting, going over to the Maternity House where Beth, Jen, and Jonna were working with a woman in labor. I wanted to get over to the house to join them. I was hurried. Again I chose not to hear the ladies out. I thought I knew what they were going to ask me for and I decided not to give it time. I again quickly explained what our programs are for and that I doubted we could help them. I did not try to hear their needs or questions.
Today as I left Harbor House one of the two women walked up at the exact right moment to catch me and asked if she could just explain her problem. Maybe we had a doctor? Something about the way her shoulders slumped told me I needed to just slow down and listen, even if we couldn't help her. I went to find Jen to listen with me because Jen has wicked awesome language skills and I figured it was time to get the whole story and try to get it right.
She began to share with us. As she talked I felt a tremendous sense of remorse for ignoring her the first two times she tried to talk to me. As she explained her health situation and how sick and awful she feels tears began to fall - for both of us. She was crying because she felt frustrated with feeling sick all the time and not having health care that is properly addressing her issues. I was crying because I felt like a giant jerk for refusing to take five minutes on the previous days.
While Jen referred her to another option and went to grab something, I asked if I could pray. She said, "Yes please pray." While we prayed we both cried some more.
My prayers in Kreyol are pretty much "God we love you we need you we know you have a heart for us but please we need you - we need your help today." Once I've said all that I switch to English and it doesn't get much more complicated in my first language. God. We. Need. You. Help!
In the end there really was nothing we could do for her. We are not able to treat the complicated issue she has. My initial thought/judgment proved to be true.
We go about our days and we do the things we have set out to do. We have parameters and ideas and goals. Those things are probably really good. My world is young moms and young children. I want to build relationships with them. These ladies were older and did not fit my criteria. There is something about the unending challenges and the large numbers of hurting people that can cause you to put walls up. Some sort of self-protection measure I suppose. And truthfully, some walls are totally necessary but in this case I felt convicted that my walls were too high ... And because I felt that as strongly as I did, I know it is true. I screwed up Saturday and Monday. In this case I should have given them five minutes the first time they asked. I should not have been so hurried.
Lest you think we've got this whole 'loving God, loving others' thing all figured out .... I thought I'd share this failure. I think all of us struggle with knowing what to spend time on, what to listen to and determining what we should and should not do.
Praying today that I might be led by the spirit and not by my agenda.
tara
On Monday the same ladies were camped in the same spot. They asked if they could talk to me. I was walking from Harbor House after just finishing a meeting, going over to the Maternity House where Beth, Jen, and Jonna were working with a woman in labor. I wanted to get over to the house to join them. I was hurried. Again I chose not to hear the ladies out. I thought I knew what they were going to ask me for and I decided not to give it time. I again quickly explained what our programs are for and that I doubted we could help them. I did not try to hear their needs or questions.
Today as I left Harbor House one of the two women walked up at the exact right moment to catch me and asked if she could just explain her problem. Maybe we had a doctor? Something about the way her shoulders slumped told me I needed to just slow down and listen, even if we couldn't help her. I went to find Jen to listen with me because Jen has wicked awesome language skills and I figured it was time to get the whole story and try to get it right.
She began to share with us. As she talked I felt a tremendous sense of remorse for ignoring her the first two times she tried to talk to me. As she explained her health situation and how sick and awful she feels tears began to fall - for both of us. She was crying because she felt frustrated with feeling sick all the time and not having health care that is properly addressing her issues. I was crying because I felt like a giant jerk for refusing to take five minutes on the previous days.
While Jen referred her to another option and went to grab something, I asked if I could pray. She said, "Yes please pray." While we prayed we both cried some more.
My prayers in Kreyol are pretty much "God we love you we need you we know you have a heart for us but please we need you - we need your help today." Once I've said all that I switch to English and it doesn't get much more complicated in my first language. God. We. Need. You. Help!
In the end there really was nothing we could do for her. We are not able to treat the complicated issue she has. My initial thought/judgment proved to be true.
We go about our days and we do the things we have set out to do. We have parameters and ideas and goals. Those things are probably really good. My world is young moms and young children. I want to build relationships with them. These ladies were older and did not fit my criteria. There is something about the unending challenges and the large numbers of hurting people that can cause you to put walls up. Some sort of self-protection measure I suppose. And truthfully, some walls are totally necessary but in this case I felt convicted that my walls were too high ... And because I felt that as strongly as I did, I know it is true. I screwed up Saturday and Monday. In this case I should have given them five minutes the first time they asked. I should not have been so hurried.
Lest you think we've got this whole 'loving God, loving others' thing all figured out .... I thought I'd share this failure. I think all of us struggle with knowing what to spend time on, what to listen to and determining what we should and should not do.
Praying today that I might be led by the spirit and not by my agenda.
tara
13 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I mess up in listening every day. I'll keep in mind what you wrote, and try harder.
tara, we who live among the vast needs of the poor really have a struggle, don't we...i know exactly what you feel like. i put up walls every day...against beggars, against thieves, against those who would take mercy and use it against us. i spiritually call it "boundaries". but as proverbs 17:19b says, "he who builds a high gate invites destruction". hmm. it's really hard to find the fine line between protecting the family/ministry and keeping the heart open and vulnerable. sometimes i make the wrong call too and shut out people. i know God understands that we are not totally like Jesus yet! high gates/walls protect, but they also insulate/isolate us. ever learning...
Bless your heart Tara. I think we all have walls up and different times for varied reasons. Some even justified! I just pray that even in those hurried busy busy moments, I can pause long enough to try and hear the Spirit in His whisper to me...so I will know what to do when needed. Whether to shut the door, or open it.
Man how I fail at this....but, still faithful to try.
Till the nets are full. Chrissy
I've been convicted of this very thing lately. I just need to get x, y, and z done, and I just don't have time to stop. I convince myself that I have to put up boundaries, or else I will collapse, and I know some days that is true, but other days, I try to extend those boundaries a little more so that I don't have to extend myself.
Thank you for being honest about your struggle.
Thanks for being real and honest!
I hope the lady can get the help she needs. There is so much need there, it's hard to know where to start, who gets priority etc. Blessings to you.
And there is love. Thank you.
I get this. I am at the same place.
I have "my agenda" and MY programs. If you don't fit into MY agenda or MY program, sorry. Go find some other blan.
God is teaching me to really look at each decision and each person as an individual child of God. I can't help all these people. But I can at least look them in the eyes and acknowledge that they are a person with a story and a real need.
"Lest you think we've got this whole 'loving God, loving others' thing all figured out ...."
Awesome.
Thanks for your transparency.
Thank you, Tara. You said it.
I think you just told a story that explains why I like you guys so much. You fall down. You ask God to pick you up. You tell it like it is. You don't make yourselves look perfect. You are so real. I see so much "non-real" in my daily life that I keep coming here for a dose of real to help me remember what is important, too. I hope you do know that you are not just ministering to Haitians. ;) Thank you so much!
And once again, you speak right to my heart and struggles in these days. Thanks so much. Tyler
Thank you, Tara. Your words bless & convict. I LOVE that you are real with us. God bless you.
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