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Shaun Groves posted a list on his blog early this year. I loved how well he illustrated the losses our adopted children face. I recall vividly listening to Isaac's hysterical cry when he came to us. I wasn't nearly as informed as I should have been. I didn't instantly recognize it for what it was. Deep, sorrowful, grief. I'm so grateful that God was faithful to walk Isaac and all of us through that three month period of grief - and occasionally even now as he continues to processes all the angles of his adoption.
I think adoption-education and preparation has gotten better over the years. I am hoping most adoptive parents go in knowing that their children will experience grief and loss.
With permission, here is a portion of that post - he wrote:
Kim, our teacher, passed out paper and pens and asked us to make a list.
Make yours with me now.
First, write down the name of the most significant person in your life.
1. Becky
Write down your most important role.
2. Husband
Now, write down your greatest support group: Church, family, a friend…
3. Brian and Amy
Write down your heritage
4. American?
Next, write the word “knowledge.” This represents the information that gets you through the everyday tasks of your day.
5. Knowledge
Then, write down your favorite place.
6. Home
Write down “Cultural Information.” This represents everything you know about your culture.
7. Cultural Information
Now, write down “Resources.” This represents all your material possessions, everything you own that has worth.
8. Resources
Next, write down “Values.” This represents your faith, concepts of right and wrong, priorities, likes and dislikes…
9. Values
Last, write down the activity that brings you the most joy.
10. Hanging out talking & laughing with close friends
Now, which four things on this list could you live without? Mark through them now.
1. Becky
2. Husband
3. Brian and Amy
4. American?
5. Knowledge
6. Home
7. Cultural Information
8. Resources
9. Values
10. Hanging out talking & laughing with close friends
Now, I promise everything will be OK.
You will be just fine.
Give up two more.
1. Becky
2. Husband
3. Brian and Amy
4. American?
5. Knowledge
6. Home
7. Cultural Information
8. Resources
9. Values
10. Hanging out talking & laughing with close friends
Now, I am the almighty social worker.
Trust me.
And give up two more.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine life with any less than this.
I teared up a little. I was surprised at the deep sadness that gripped me. Beyond empathy. Beyond compassion. I think it was mourning.
I mourned all that the children I don’t yet know will give up to become my children.
Am I worthy of all this sacrifice?
Is anyone?
7 comments:
what a beautiful and heartbreaking reminder. my husband and I are going through parenting classes to adopt a child and it is so humbling to see all the loss our kids experience in their early years. thanks for all you do.
We had to go through a couple exercises like this. When we were at a class that was for both foster/adopt situations, they talked about being removed from a home with no notice and what all that entailed and I just started to bawl. I really didn't care who else was there. I know I often forget that my children may still grieve even now. Isaiah keeps it to himself, but I see it surface now and then. Janae is normally so tough, but now and then she'll just sob uncontrollably about Haiti. She doesn't really remember anyone or anything there that I haven't told her, but still she grieves. They tried to prepare us for this, but I don't think that's possible. I just hold her and tell her she can cry (she seems to need permission some days). And I cry with her because I can't fix it.
Powerful!
Thanks so much for sharing.
We were in no way prepared for the 2 children with RAD that showed up in our lives. We were given no preparation whatsoever.
Laurel
So powerful! It is a wonder the depth and breadth of trans-racial adoption literature and resources. I was adopted in the 90s and my parents say they informed themselves as best they could using what was available here in Singapore. I recently came across this post on the Love Isn’t Enough blog, Six Things Your Adopted Child Might Be Thinking, But Will Never Tell You. http://loveisntenough.com/2011/07/18/six-things-y...
I read it thinking – yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!
It sure is an ongoing process!
- Kate
A year ago I had no knowledge or opinions about adoption ... at least any informed ones. I am grateful for all of your blog posts, reposts, links, etc. Along with training, magazine articles, books (like The Connected Child) and other resources, I feel so much more prepared to pursue adoption. Last summer, we hosted two siblings from Ukraine for a month and again for three weeks over Christmas. At that time we decided to adopt them and their three year old sister. In February, while we were feverishly taking care of paperwork we learned that they would be adopted by another family in Houston. It's been confusing and difficult, particularly for my wife as she had attached very deeply to the kids. We thought that is what God wanted us to do but now we're not so sure. Some days are crystal clear and others are clear as mud. Regardless, we are so grateful for your openness on the subject as your thoughts have been most helpful as we walk this road.
Tony Collette
Tony.Collette@comcast.net
Powerful!
Thanks for this post Tara!
So very true! the night terrors and anger were amazing! He says he remembers things and maybe he does.
He ask if things are fixed in Haiti and I tell him no, confused he asks why and I tell him it is really hard to fix things there. He wants everyone and and everything okay.. He has a heart for his home country!
He ask about his brown Momma and I have to tell him I don't know because I don't and that breaks my heart....
Thank you for let more people know what all of us should have known!
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