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I've been sitting against a cement wall all day long. Waiting. Hoping to find out if there is a place for me in that house. I see other young mothers live here. I am pregnant. I don't have a place to sleep.
People tell me that the house if full. People tell me the house is for younger mothers. People tell me I can't sit outside the gate waiting all day. They say I won't be able to have a spot, no matter how long I sit. They don't know I have nothing else I need to be doing. Why shouldn't I wait? Maybe they will decide to let me in.
I'm afraid. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't even speak to the father of my child anymore. His mother does not like me. I can't go back there. They don't want me there.
The women on Tuesday tell me to take care of myself. They tell me I am too old to live in the house for young mothers. Today I feel old. But I am only 22. They ask if my aunt in LesCayes will have me. I don't know the answer. They ask me about friends that I have. I'm thinking it over. I don't know what I want to do.
Today I had blood drawn before the class.
A few other women did too.
Today my life changed.
People tell me that the house if full. People tell me the house is for younger mothers. People tell me I can't sit outside the gate waiting all day. They say I won't be able to have a spot, no matter how long I sit. They don't know I have nothing else I need to be doing. Why shouldn't I wait? Maybe they will decide to let me in.
I'm afraid. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't even speak to the father of my child anymore. His mother does not like me. I can't go back there. They don't want me there.
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A few other women did too.
Today my life changed.
They told me they did many tests.
They said I have three things.
I heard them.
Did I hear them?
The third thing they said...
Did they say what I think they said?
I am trying to process.
"I have SIDA?" I ask them.
They tell me I heard them right.
I get up and try to leave. I want to run.
They grab me and ask me to sit down . To listen.
A few women touch my back while I hold my head in my hands and sob.
I cannot hear what they are saying. I cannot listen right now.
They keep repeating things. They say I found out early. I will not die.
I want to die. I don't have anyone that wants me.
They say they can help me find a program. They say medicine will help me not get sick.
I can't tell anyone this. I don't want anyone to know.
I knew he was with many women. I always knew.
My head hurts. I ask for medicine. My head.is.pounding.
They say I will not die. They say it is not the same as before.
I can't hear. I can't think.
The door opened. Someone came in the room. I don't lift my head to look.
It is quiet.
Minutes pass.
I don't look up.
I hear her quietly say, "I have SIDA. I have had it for a few years. I take medicine. I am not sick. They will give you medicine at a program. You won't be sick if you go. You will live."
I listen to her.
I don't look at her.
I keep my head down.
I listen. I cry.
The white women say "Thank you." "Thank you for talking to her - you have courage." I look up. I see the woman with SIDA. She was in class with me today. I have seen her face before. She has tears running down her face too. She gets up to go.
I have so much to decide. So much to think about. Where should I live. Who can I tell? Maybe this is not true. Maybe they are wrong. I hope they are wrong.
They say come back tomorrow.
They tell me I need to go for another test. They say that they will pray.
I get up to leave. I don't know where I am going. I can't even think.
They pray. They tell me they care. They ask God to hold me. They ask God to help me. They say that He sees me.
I need Him to hold me.
I need Him to help me.
I hope that He sees me.
Please hold me God.
16 comments:
Gross, gross, gross.....I can still feel that feeling in my stomach of having to tell someone that word. It makes my heart sick for her (and you guys). That is the worst four letter word on the planet.
Meanwhile most of us in the USA are worrying about which side-dishes & desserts we want to have with our big Thansgiving turkeys & hams; & of course we're all planning for the "Black Friday" sales (day after Thanksgiving big sales for Christmas). Oh God forgive us! Thank you, all you ladies of Heartline. We are not worthy to carry your bags. Praying for this young lady & all your ladies & babies.
I feel broken for her. God please show up for her in an undeniable way.
Tears. Praying for her. Praying for all of you.
i'm praying for all of you too. it's a terrible thing to be in such a sea of misery with only so many resources to help.
Oh, God, have mercy! Please, God, have mercy. I wish she could come live with me. I'm praying!! So heart-breaking.
thank you for what you do. so many need the love and care you are giving in jesus name! thank you for sharing your stories!
Psalm 77
I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,and I would not be comforted.
I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
“Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
I don't know what to say, but I want to say something. I am thinking of another mother I know, even younger, who heard these same words and crying for them both. Not because HIV is a death sentence. But because it is scary. And these are young women who need to be held like we all do.
Oh Tara. I read Heather's post as well and my heart just aches. But sometimes when your heart aches, one feels stifled. But today when my heart aches for this woman, I feel so grateful that you all are there and that your ministry exists. Mothers helping mothers. Women helping women. God moving in lives and building relationships. That's kingdom work and kingdom work is never easy. Praying for you all extra hard today and for this young mother.
I regularly read your blog - it gives me faces and names when I pray; and your faith gives my faith strength. I often share it - thank you for telling us the stories of these women and keeping the hard stuff visible so we don't forget in the dailyness of our cluttered and comfortable western life.
My first thought after reading this blog was He is the God who sees, El Roi; and He sees and weeps too, and He sees and is pleased with all of you there doing His work, obeying His call. Then I thought of Jehovah Rapha, but I couldn't remember what that meant so I looked it up ~ God who heals. So I pray - for her to know with certainty that He sees her; and for God to heal her heart.
Poor baby. What a horrible turn of events for her. I thank God you are there for her.
Praying for this precious child of God, and the child within her.
Praying that the LORD will give you wisdom as you minister to her, and so many others like her.
So sad. So hard
Laurel
My husband and I went to Haiti a few months ago, and I am aching to move there. Thanks for this insight during such a big decision.
Everything about this post breaks my heart.
And reminds me why we are called to GO. We are called to take HOPE to the hopeless.
Thank you for being the feet.
May all of us remember that we should send or go and be faithful to our calling, no matter which side we fall on.
Wow. So glad you guys at Heartline are there to support her and many other hurting and broken women.
Keeping her and you all in my prayers!
Leah-Joy
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