I've been sitting against a cement wall all day long. Waiting. Hoping to find out if there is a place for me in that house. I see other young mothers live here. I am pregnant. I don't have a place to sleep.
People tell me that the house if full. People tell me the house is for younger mothers. People tell me I can't sit outside the gate waiting all day. They say I won't be able to have a spot, no matter how long I sit. They don't know I have nothing else I need to be doing. Why shouldn't I wait? Maybe they will decide to let me in.
I'm afraid. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't even speak to the father of my child anymore. His mother does not like me. I can't go back there. They don't want me there.
The women on Tuesday tell me to take care of myself. They tell me I am too old to live in the house for young mothers. Today I feel old. But I am only 22. They ask if my aunt in LesCayes will have me. I don't know the answer. They ask me about friends that I have. I'm thinking it over. I don't know what I want to do.
Today I had blood drawn before the class.
A few other women did too.
Today my life changed.
People tell me that the house if full. People tell me the house is for younger mothers. People tell me I can't sit outside the gate waiting all day. They say I won't be able to have a spot, no matter how long I sit. They don't know I have nothing else I need to be doing. Why shouldn't I wait? Maybe they will decide to let me in.
I'm afraid. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't even speak to the father of my child anymore. His mother does not like me. I can't go back there. They don't want me there.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A few other women did too.
Today my life changed.
They told me they did many tests.
They said I have three things.
I heard them.
Did I hear them?
The third thing they said...
Did they say what I think they said?
I am trying to process.
"I have SIDA?" I ask them.
They tell me I heard them right.
I get up and try to leave. I want to run.
They grab me and ask me to sit down . To listen.
A few women touch my back while I hold my head in my hands and sob.
I cannot hear what they are saying. I cannot listen right now.
They keep repeating things. They say I found out early. I will not die.
I want to die. I don't have anyone that wants me.
They say they can help me find a program. They say medicine will help me not get sick.
I can't tell anyone this. I don't want anyone to know.
I knew he was with many women. I always knew.
My head hurts. I ask for medicine. My head.is.pounding.
They say I will not die. They say it is not the same as before.
I can't hear. I can't think.
The door opened. Someone came in the room. I don't lift my head to look.
It is quiet.
Minutes pass.
I don't look up.
I hear her quietly say, "I have SIDA. I have had it for a few years. I take medicine. I am not sick. They will give you medicine at a program. You won't be sick if you go. You will live."
I listen to her.
I don't look at her.
I keep my head down.
I listen. I cry.
The white women say "Thank you." "Thank you for talking to her - you have courage." I look up. I see the woman with SIDA. She was in class with me today. I have seen her face before. She has tears running down her face too. She gets up to go.
I have so much to decide. So much to think about. Where should I live. Who can I tell? Maybe this is not true. Maybe they are wrong. I hope they are wrong.
They say come back tomorrow.
They tell me I need to go for another test. They say that they will pray.
I get up to leave. I don't know where I am going. I can't even think.
They pray. They tell me they care. They ask God to hold me. They ask God to help me. They say that He sees me.
I need Him to hold me.
I need Him to help me.
I hope that He sees me.
Please hold me God.
