The excitement, wonder and anticipation I felt in 2005 is more like a constant state of vacillating thoughts and confusion this time. My stream of consciousness can occasionally look like this: What about Lydia, she is so little. I hate Malaria. Do I really want her in Haiti? Sometimes I hate it there. What about Isaac, he loves it in America. Can I really teach those little kids? Ugh. I'm scared. What if Britt needs me, how can I really be there for her from such a distance? What about the house? Will it sell? Are we making the right choice to leave it unresolved? Can we do this? Should we? What, When, Why, How?
In the very next frame of thought(s) I am thinking these things: I love how alive I feel in Haiti. It is so cool it is to see my husband in his element and feeling fulfilled. It is never boring. The people are so inspiring and resilient, I'm lucky to know them. I'm changed. Haiti is in my heart. It's awesome to be in a position to rely fully on God, and to work with others who know how to do it so much better than us. It's easier to keep God and family my priority. I love it there. We've sat in the front row and seen miracles happen. We've watched God work on a grander scale. We've been able to discern better where God wants to change our attitudes, make us new, help us refine our rough edges. We're learning new things. We're learning to love Him and love people. It feels good.
With these opposing thoughts waging a battle in my muddled mind I end up certain of only one thing: My heart's desire is this ... I want for my family and myself exactly what God wants for us. Even if it is not always easy, even if it makes no sense, and even if it is not all revealed to me soon enough for my comfort. Now I just need to train my head to fall in line with my heart.
Hebrews 11:8-10 reads:
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
I'm not Abraham, Isaac or Jacob ... but I want to be faithful. By faith I want to make my home wherever God leads. As I wrap up everything that can possibly be "wrapped up" before heading back, and as I fight my own tendency to doubt God and His plans for me, I have been overwhelmed with the way God has brought people into our lives to partner with us in this ministry. Without you we cannot accomplish the things He puts before us. Without you we would not have gone in the first place. You've helped us through some storms. We're so grateful.
Please pray for wisdom to know how to best help when situations present themselves. Pray that we don't become hard to the needs because they are too many. Pray that we grow individually and as a family. Pray for discernment. Pray for patience. Pray that we're forgiving. Pray that we're obedient.
Come, and let us return to the Lord;
For He has torn, but He will heal us;
He has stricken, but He will bind us up.
After two days He will revive us;
On the third day He will raise us up,
For He has torn, but He will heal us;
He has stricken, but He will bind us up.
After two days He will revive us;
On the third day He will raise us up,
That we may live in His sight.
Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the Lord.
His going forth is established as the morning;
He will come to us like the rain,
Like the latter and former rain to the earth.
Hos 6:1-3
Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the Lord.
His going forth is established as the morning;
He will come to us like the rain,
Like the latter and former rain to the earth.
Hos 6:1-3
(Photos taken by Troy)
