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And while it is weird, it is also good (and hard) and interesting and fun and never boring.
Last week Troy described a moment to me. He talked about having Isaac's (first) Dad, Mom, and little brother in our truck, driving to show them a house that was built for them just outside of Port au Prince, and getting stuck in deep mud.
He talked about the very peculiar feeling of watching our son in the joyful, bouncy, carefree attitude of his first father and also observing his rarely seen sad side in the much more morose disposition of his mother.
Troy wondered if working along side Isaac's 57 year old biological dad to pull a truck out of the deep mud was not one of the weirder moments
Isaac is understandably concerned for his family and occasionally asks if they could maybe just come live with us. Hopefully getting them out of their tent in a very crowded PAP tent city and into this much better house will put Isaac a little bit at ease.
We're doing everything in our power to honor these precious people (and Isaac) ... but we're stopping just shy of attempting to create the elusive utopia that exists only in our sweet and innocent son's mind. :)
This situation raises a lot of questions and issues in our minds. We definitely want to help them, but without creating dependency. We wonder if we would have done things differently had we known back then that Isaac's parents were still (kind of) together and only placed him at an orphanage due to economic reasons. (Isaac's Dad left his Mom for a time when she was pregnant and shortly after he was born and that is why she decided to place him in an orphanage and sign papers. We did not learn this until years later. They are back together again.) These are hard things to consider, but important ones.
How amazing is it to even be given such opportunities to know this family?
Please join us in prayer for the Antoine family as they move and transition to a new life outside of Port au Prince - for wisdom as we seek to help without hurting - and for the hundreds of thousands of people that are still living under sheets and tarps without advocates or opportunities to move elsewhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 comments:
Wow. God and Haiti really mess up our categories, huh?
It's hard to know what to do sometimes. Hard to know how to help but not have them become dependent on you. I'm glad they have their own house now.
Every post of yours', I appreciate more more for the truth and honesty that you give. This is a topic I have been struggling with and that my husband and I have been discussing. When God places you in a place, and these opportunities arise... what is the best decision to make? I don't know, but I do know that God will bestow upon you a peace and way to help them with love and not pain.
Thank you for your devotion to Haiti.
I just edited the post to clarify that when Isaac was placed his parents were not together. They are together again. They placed two of their eight children (all 8 kids have same dad and mom) - It is so complicated and heartbreaking and it makes me (even more) long for Jesus and Heaven.
tara
We are in the process of adopting from Haiti and when we traveled to Haiti this past March, we also had the opportunity to met our twin daughters' birth mother. We now have precious pictures of her with the girls and my husband and I. When I talk about our trip and show pictures, this is the one topic that I get a consistent response: "Their Mom is still alive?". I try to explain that every day in Haiti there are hundreds of children that become orphans of poverty. But, many women do not choose the loving option of putting their child up for adoption (I won't go into all of the very sad options some women choose). Also, true orphans are very difficult, if not impossible, to adopt because there were so few death records from the earthquake - it would be tragic to adopt a child whose parents are looking for them. The children who are orphans because their parents chose the ultimate act of selfless love (adoption) deserve to be adopted and have a Mommy and Daddy and a family. This woman will always be a part of our family and we will make sure our girls know that she loved them so much that she choose adoption for them. But, it is just a complex issue that is hard to wrap your mind around. We just trust God is in this situation and with our family, which now extends to a young woman in Haiti who gave birth to our daughters.
And I forgot to add that I LOVE your blog and you are such a blessing to so many people. Thank you for sharing your heart!
One other quick note of info.
Adoptive parents might meet birth-families sometime in the adoption process and that is awesome -- I think it is really good to do that if possible --- but please be aware that you should never promise your birth-family any thing (not even "maybe someday we can help you") nor should you give them gifts during the process. That can be taken as a bribe or as buying the child and both UNICEF and the two governments will see that in very poor light.
We did not begin to help Isaac's family for years after the adoption was legal and complete and do so quite cautiously and covered in much prayer now. The house they are getting is not technically from us.
A difficult line to walk, isn't it? I sometimes feel with our boys that I am walking a tight rope over a treacherous gorge in a hurricane breeze. I am always thankful that we know their families and can share information and prayer, and work hard to honor their birth families' role in their lives. However, we have been caught in the web of expectation, need & mistrust as well. At those moment, with little boys' fears, hopes, heartbreak so clearly on our minds, it is enough to make me question all I think I know about myself and reaffirms my belief that life is indeed messy.
Take care!
Fran
I can't even imagine how to travel that road. My heart hurts for all of you.
Loved reading this.
I dream of one day taking R to see his brothers. Who knows if it will ever happen. I hope for him.
Our girl's birthparents are also both alive and together. They placed 6 of their 9 children for adoption. Our 2 are the only ones together. We have some indirect contact with them.
It is SO hard. Also hard to say that placing is the most loving option if money is the only factor. Though, for families that have placed numerous children, I often wonder if birth control is as much an issue as poverty. So freaking complicated.
Tara, did you ever watch that documentary Daughter of Denang? It is so good and touches on some of the issues of birthfamily assistance.
HI K -
I have not seen it. Do you know if it is available for purchase/download?
Between the two birth/first families we have worked hard to figure out loving and fair and clear boundaries. For Hope it is a bit different than it is for Isaac. Hope is very comfortable seeing her Mom and did recently. Isaac loves his family of course and wants us to check on them and loves to see photos and hear that Troy spent a day with them -- BUT -- he does not see them very much. He last saw them like two years ago. That is what is best for him right now so until he pushes to see them we see them and deliver photos and updates/news. The assistance to both families came more than four years after our kids became ours legally and we are sure it never comes directly from us ... it passes through the hands of an organization in Haiti.
It is never one answer fits all. I know each family must face their own unique situation according to the needs of their own unique child. Thanks for the feedback. I got a few emails on this post and I hope everyone knows that we make it up as we go along and constantly pray for guidance. The right answer today might not be the right answer in a year or two.
tara
Tara
Thanks for this post. We are struggling with some of these issues right now and coming to any sort of place that feels "comfortable" is beyond difficult.
I viewed adoption so differently before while we were in the process. I remember reading something that said "Adoption is trauma" and thinking that was so harsh. I see it with such different eyes now.
Thank you for sharing the joy and the pain.
~Carol C
Following Christ just gets messier and messier the older I get. Praying for you guys!! And sweet, sweet Isaac.
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