![Livesay [Haiti] Weblog](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WImkelA85fQ/T774B_tbjMI/AAAAAAAANjM/Zup5rYTxdWs/s810/blog%2Bheader%2BTRL2011-07-07_%2B%25281%2529.jpeg)
In the last months I have had extra opportunities to really examine the pain my children experience.
Adoption is built on pain and loss. It cannot be denied.
I am glad we live in a day and age where people are starting to understand how important it is to tell the truth. It encourages me that adoptive parents have multiple places they can go to learn how to be sensitive to the needs of their children who have suffered loss. I am glad the culture is no longer refusing to examine the difficult aspects of adoption. It is good we can talk about challenges of transracial adoption. Finally people are talking about attachment disorders with greater openness and vulnerability. I am thankful that experienced adoptive parents are talking. We need their voices. I am thrilled that adult adoptees are sharing their experiences - they have much to teach us. I'm glad that adoption is not being presented as a perfect fairy-tale story that is all unicorns and rainbows, because adoption is built on pain.
We talk about Hope/Phoebe and Isaac's first families fairly frequently. All three kids have met them and visited with them more than once. As long as their families are willing we will continue to visit with them occasionally and they will have a way to reach us. We are always watching closely for signs of pain and confusion before, during, and after these visits and conversations.
A couple of months ago we worked through our first true grief-session with our son. It was so intense and raw that I hesitate to share too much. He sobbed for a very long time over another adoption story. (It was a difficult story.) He kept saying "He was only a little boy, he was only a little boy." While he would not say his grief was at all related to his own story, I believe subconsciously it was. He was incredibly grieved for the boy who had been removed from his Mother and he wept for both the Mother and the boy. After a long evening of talking and praying (at his request we prayed for this Mom and boy) he calmed down and fell asleep.
That little glimpse into Isaac was something I'd really never seen. If anything, it was a good reminder that this stuff will be on-going and will crop-up in the lives of our adopted children throughout their lives. It does not go away and certain things and milestones in their lives could bring grief, anger, and deep loss to the surface. We need to be totally sensitive to it and not brush it off or minimize it. Pretending it is not an issue is not the way to best support our children.
Isaac learned recently that his Uncle Matt is adopted. That normalized adoption for him. Isaac said, "Uncle Matt is like me Mom."
A couple weeks ago Noah pulled a silly face and someone said, "That looked just like Troy." Isaac stood nearby and said, "I wish I could be just like Troy too." I jumped in quickly. I said, "Isaac, the way you compliment us every day - the way you encourage and love others with kind words - *that* IS just like Dad. You are like Dad in so many ways even if you don't look alike!" We had a long discussion about the different ways we could be like someone we look up to; Isaac really grabbed onto that and felt satisfied knowing that looks were not the only thing that could connect him to his Dad.
We're inexplicably blessed by all that our Haitian Sensations bring to our lives and our family. The love and joy they add cannot be quantified. As adoptive parents we ask God for unusual sensitivity toward all they have experienced (and still experience) and lost and that He would provide us everything we need to love them the way He does.
Thinking about adopting? More adoption thoughts coming from guest bloggers this week.
Check this post out too - it will get you thinking.
tara
(photo from the day Phoebe came home - 2007)
20 comments:
I appreciated this post and your thoughts - looking forward to more this week. God bless!
Great post, Tara! I am Jen, an avid reader of your blog, an occasional poster of comments, a friend of the Howertons. Our family has been casually talking about adoption for years, and are now in the process of adopting from Thailand. The earthquake in Haiti was a catalyst in our decision--for a myriad of reasons. I have found myself renewed with this new journey we are on, and I am soaking up stories, insight and information like a sponge. I feel blessed to connect to a community of those who have walked before us who are willing to be open and honest. It is a gift to my family, the four of us now and the five of us that will soon be. So, thank you! Looking forward to more posts.
Beautiful Tara.
This kind of got me thinking of something else. I was such a different kid than anything I could point at in my family. I always felt utterly alien. Of course, I was not adopted (I only have to look at my earlobes to confirm this) but if I WAS adopted, I would have completely chalked my feelings up to adoption issues rather than gradually learning that this was just what it meant to become "me". I know I'm kind of babbling here, but what I'm wondering is if you can find the places where your biological kids feel odd or alien and help them all to see that forming an identity is sometimes a very lonely thing for all of us. Of course your adopted children will have extra challenges and the loneliness will be more pronounced, but it might help them to feel a little less alone to know that everyone travels through the strange land of identity-formation. Sometimes the places where we find ourselves most alone are the places where we are most like Jesus...our truest genealogy.
This illustration of Isaac stood out as confirmation to what I believe the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me. I am discovering the similarities between the physical orphans of the world and ourselves. In the same way Isaac wants to reflect his earthly daddy, once we have been adopted into God's family, we have a strong urge to reflect God, our Heavenly Daddy.
We are currently in the Haitian adoption process, adopting nearly 4 month old twin girls from God's Littlest Angels Orphanage. It's a faith walk no doubt as we are praying for Haiti to approve our adoption despite our three biological children. God is able and we press on in His paths.
I am so thankful to see the examples of the families like yours who have gone before us. I think we are all better off when we take our sometimes idolizing tendencies off of our physical families (ones that will all pass away) and place our emphasis and passions on our spiritual family...the family that has eternal value....this makes Isaac no different than any of God's children. I am appreciating a deeper realization of our LORD'S great love for us as we walk out adoption.
Many blessings to all of you!
We have had sooooo many conversations with both our girls (the younger age 4, adopted at 6mos of age; the older age 8, adopted at 6 years of age). There is a lot of grief involved, even my 4 year old sometimes sobs for her losses and is very articulate about the pain of adoption.
Thank you for sharing this touching and painful story. 6 months home with my son and pain and anxiety is ever present in our home.
Thanks so much for writing this post... I look forward to reading the rest of them this week. I have always wanted to adoopt, but have no idea about the process or the cost. Your family is absolutely amazing and is proof that anything really is possible.
My two three year olds speak of their own hurts in the ways only three year olds can and man, is it painful as a mom to walk alongside them in those moments. I just wrote a bit about parenting two adopted kids who have different adoption experiences and how i have one who makes up stories from his past because he cannot remember things the way his sister does. Because of this, we just had a conversation about his bio dad's absence in his life. My kiddo needs the truth of his life story but it is so hard to watch a little heart deal with the hurts that story brings. There have been many times in the 18 months of having adopted kids that my eyes just filled with tears as we've explored some of their hurts.
Thank you for you post. I hope to contribute a better comment later. Prayers would be appreciated.
Hey Terri, thank you for your comment. I too suffered the same kind of loneliness growing up and even into my 20's with my siblings. I am the middle of 5 kids and have always felt different. They joke that I am the misfit because I am not a misfit. It took a lot of adult years before I realized that the fact that we are brothers and sisters is enough for us to have in common. I have a much better relationship with all of them and a much better understanding, appreciation and acceptance of who I am. And it took God and a lot of chiselling to get me where I am today. And now I realize that my siblings are longing for what I have and that is the peace I have in my life through Jesus Christ. I pray for all 4 of them and allow God to use me to draw them near to Him.
Our situation is a little different, since my nephews' mother has not relinquished her rights, so I guess it is more like a permanent foster care situation than a formal adoption. Some days are difficult, and I don't always know how to help the boys work through their place-finding efforts. I want very much for them to feel completely part of the family unit. Thank you for your candor and reassurance that it isn't always easy sailing for other families, either.
So, so true Tara. The greatest gift we can give our adopted children is understanding their grief, and not making it about ourselves.
Thank you Tara and all the rest for your comments. In less than two weeks we will host two orphans from the Ukraine for a month through a program that is intended to find an adoptive home for them and to allow us the opportunity to see if adoption is right for our family. We too are grateful for those that have walked this road before and who are willing to openly share and/or throw themselves under the bus. You honor God and bless so many others in the process.
Christianity Today's current issue has a variety of articles and suggested resources on adoption. If you read only one book on adoption, what would it be???
I was trying to get back to a post that was on the Rage Against the Minivan site regarding adoption. You or Troy linked to it within the last month or so. Can you guide the way back there again???
God bless your day!
I love hearing your thoughts on adoption as well as the guest blogs you ahve coming up about it - especially since we are thinking about it and know there is a depth to it that usually isn't discussed. So thank you. I know I emailed a while back and getting with you to meet and chat. I'd still love to do that sometime. Our life took a little "turn" as we just went through a miscarriage. So we are little by little getting back to normal. I have not forgotten my request to you though and hopefully we'll be able to do that soon. I apologize for the delay in getting back to you.
Thanks,
Emily
I heart Isaac. I really do. I'm so sorry for his suffering. So very sorry. ღ
this is my 1st time here. thank you for this post.
the pain, the loss is so real.
Thanks for posting this! We are currently packing to leave for Ethiopia to bring our 2 newest family members home. You probably already have this book - we have not ordered it ourselves yet - but it reminded me alot of your response to Isaac. Its.. I DON"T HAVE YOUR EYES by Carrie A Kitze. It is definatley on my "books to get" list! Again THANK YOU and may God Bless you and your entire family as you continue on the journey He leads you!
Love this post. I follow Troy on twitter and fb. My son, born in Haiti, is named Isaac as well :) It is so encouraging to hear others stories and testimonies. Our children experienced pain before we were ever in the picture and the best way to deal is prayerfully and sensitively. Wishing your family the very best!
Your thoughts on adoption made me cry. Thank you for opening your hearts and lives to these dear children.
Although different in so many ways... my adoption story is sad too, I was born to my parents and they adopted the rest of my siblings... (3 of them).
They did not want to look like they were favoring me (in those days it was a big deal) and so they treated me more poorly than the rest so no one could accuse them of favoring me. (They admitted that to me when I was an adult).
No one really talked about what adoption meant as I was growing up... although my siblings grew to believe that their birth parents didn't want them... and I grew to wish I had been adopted.
What has impacted my life most of all is the realization that God made a way for me and all of us to be adopted as His children... wanted... desired... thought of...chosen... those are the words that come to me now.
I hear you giving your children those words and I pray you will keep giving them what they need so they know the love of their Father and of their parents here on earth...
Love to overflow and fill them and help them face their feelings of insecurity and unwantedness.
Thank you for sharing and for your examples of love.
I am so blessed to call you family.
Love to you,
Jo Winkowitsch
Thank-you for your post and the love you share with all your children!
We have two adopted and four biological children and in the process of bringing two more little ones home.
My oldest daughter is much taller than us. People will often ask her where she gets her height from. Until recently she was not ready to talk about her adoption so I'd just jump in and say "she get's her height from my personality!"
We know once the boys come home we will get a lot more questions about adoption and I'm embracing and dreading he questions at the same time, especially as it will bring it upfrount for my oldest and youngest children.
Occasionally we will answer as a family and say "Yes we are all adopted" and try to turn the conversation towards our need for a loving father to free us from the bondage of sin.. but still people want their curiosities satisfied..even at the obvious expense of our children.
We are excited about bringing our sons home and becoming an even bigger mix of expereinces and cultures.Thank-you again for your experience and encouragement.
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