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Today a friend reminded me of this post I wrote almost two years ago while we were in Minnesota on a three month furlough having Lydia and sending Britt off to college.
After being reminded of it I came home and read it. It was interesting to read it again today, in the current "unsettled" place.
Everything in that post is still true. I think the difference is that two years further down the road I understand even less about Haiti and less about why God so clearly directed us here. The long defeat has become more personal and ... well .... longer.
I don't think we'll ever change Haiti and I don't live here because I think it is more significant than living anywhere else. Not at all.
The single reason we live here is because for some reason living here is what was required in order for us to be obedient. I do not like it every day. I do not always do it with a joy filled heart. Sometimes I really stink at obedience and I have fits in my spirit that only He knows about.
Trips back have a way of stirring questions and even discontent. When we go home people always ask "How long do you think you'll stay?" The answer remains the same: we have no idea.
Just as the lyrics to the Sara Groves song say, "I won't pretend to know what's next."
Things always go best when we live in today and make a conscious and purposed decision not to get too puffed up thinking any of this is anything other than an opportunity to turn our total insufficiency and all of our uncertainties, frustrations, and fears over to God.
There are people telling us we need to be Haiti lifers. There are people begging us to return "home". We're trying hard to ignore people and listen for God. We're attempting to love others and walk with Him in the place He planted us until He gives us peace about being planted elsewhere to do that same thing.
Besides re-reading "The Long Defeat" post that was written so long ago, I also read this paragraph below from Carrie's blog.
These things put together are important words for me (and maybe you) this week.
"I've learned that while we like to ask God location questions, He likes to ask us heart questions. Heart questions are the hardest questions. We've grown to understand that whether we're in Beijing or Boston, God wants one thing from us. He wants us to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with him. (Micah 6:8) We can do that anywhere. We have spent a considerable amount of time asking God where?, waiting for some lightening bolt to fall from heaven and provide us with a specific zip code. But it seems that in the last couple of years, we've learned that God just wants us to fully be where ever we are..."
Everything in that post is still true. I think the difference is that two years further down the road I understand even less about Haiti and less about why God so clearly directed us here. The long defeat has become more personal and ... well .... longer.
I don't think we'll ever change Haiti and I don't live here because I think it is more significant than living anywhere else. Not at all.
The single reason we live here is because for some reason living here is what was required in order for us to be obedient. I do not like it every day. I do not always do it with a joy filled heart. Sometimes I really stink at obedience and I have fits in my spirit that only He knows about.
Trips back have a way of stirring questions and even discontent. When we go home people always ask "How long do you think you'll stay?" The answer remains the same: we have no idea.
Just as the lyrics to the Sara Groves song say, "I won't pretend to know what's next."
Things always go best when we live in today and make a conscious and purposed decision not to get too puffed up thinking any of this is anything other than an opportunity to turn our total insufficiency and all of our uncertainties, frustrations, and fears over to God.
There are people telling us we need to be Haiti lifers. There are people begging us to return "home". We're trying hard to ignore people and listen for God. We're attempting to love others and walk with Him in the place He planted us until He gives us peace about being planted elsewhere to do that same thing.
Besides re-reading "The Long Defeat" post that was written so long ago, I also read this paragraph below from Carrie's blog.
These things put together are important words for me (and maybe you) this week.
"I've learned that while we like to ask God location questions, He likes to ask us heart questions. Heart questions are the hardest questions. We've grown to understand that whether we're in Beijing or Boston, God wants one thing from us. He wants us to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with him. (Micah 6:8) We can do that anywhere. We have spent a considerable amount of time asking God where?, waiting for some lightening bolt to fall from heaven and provide us with a specific zip code. But it seems that in the last couple of years, we've learned that God just wants us to fully be where ever we are..."
5 comments:
We're all right there with you. Living here doesn't make anything more clear.
It's funny that my words help you right now... when I first started following your blog "many moons" ago, I was in the states for a few weeks. And I was miserable--really wrestling with all the confusion and heartache that comes from going home. (Everything you're dealing with now.) To be perfectly honest, while I love trips home, I also hate them. They make this life we've chosen so much harder. Anyway, I had seen your blog before, but somehow I lingered longer that afternoon, and I read your long defeat post. I can't tell you how comforting it was to me at the time, as right then it perfectly described where I was and it was nice to know I wasn't alone. (I've reread that post several times to be reminded of its message.) I just wanted to tell you that while we're on the other side of the world and wrestling with very different issues, we "get" where you are right now, and we'll be praying for you. Oh, and we ate beans and rice last night, and I thought of you. :)
Thanks for this post, Tara. I've been struggling with some of my own "where" questions and this helped put some things into perspective.
Even though I have never lived overseas (visits and trips but not life), I realize I can struggle with the same (or similar) question. Job to job, city to city, house to house...focus on the where even here. I almost don't want to admit it except that you have once again encouraged me.
Best!
K
Thanks,and thanks for ignoring me.
John
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