Our kids seem to be dealing with things in their own ways. Isaac and Hope are doing the best by far. Noah is probably okay, he just needed to tell me that it really ticked him off when I put him on that airplane and did not come with him. I'm glad he feels safe enough to tell me that. I told him he had a right to be mad. I asked him to forgive me. The other four kids (the two oldest and the two youngest) all seem to have their own battles going on ... we'll need patience and unusual wisdom to help them each individually. We'll also very likely need help to help them.
It is so hard to explain any of this. I don't know that I can. In trying to I might offend someone. That is never my intent.
It is not that we don't feel loved - we do. It is not that we are unappreciative for all you've done to allow us this "break" - we are appreciative.
At the same time we feel thankful - we also feel very guilty. It is neither right or wrong - it is just how we feel. Having all of that food in the refrigerator feels unfair. It feels excessive. Why do we get to have it so easy? The guilt over sitting here - just sitting here - makes me feel nauseous. Today is day one of sitting still. I don't know how we can do this for very long. I don't want time to sit idle - I don't want to think or heal - I just want to go home where I belong and where we know how to live. I just want to be done with this.
~~~~~~~~~~~
now on to business items:We feel bad about this confusion, but I do want to get things straightened out as soon as possible.
Troy and I work for and help two ministries in Haiti. You probably know that. One of the two has handled our money for us. Each month they give us our budgeted amount from the support we receive from our church, our family, our support base. They also help us save to pay our house rent each year. They have done that for us all along. They keep us organized.
The Paypal button on the left side of the blog has been there for a few years. In the past we would see maybe one or two gifts a month. It was simple enough to quickly email the donor and clarify the intent of the gift and be sure it was correctly used. Sometimes it was a gift to be passed on to a particular Haitian person that had touched them and sometimes it was meant for us to use. We did not typically provide a receipt for the gifts given by paypal on our blog because the gift never passed through the hands of World Wide Village.
Since the earthquake we have had quite a few people give using that paypal button. Those gifts have not yet been touched. If you gave to us using that paypal button we may need you to clarify something for us by emailing us directly. This is very important to us to get straightened out.
1.) If you want a receipt to be provided to you by our 501c3 (World Wide Village out of St.Paul, MN) we will need you to email us at tara.livesay@worldwidevillage.org and tell us that you desire a receipt and also note if you are designating the gift toward one of three things:
- Disaster Relief only
- General Fund - for the discretion of WWV
- Livesay Family Personal Support
2.) If you are not looking for a tax-deductible receipt and/or you do not wish to specifically designate the money to a specific use, there is no need to email us. The IRS allows smaller gifts to be claimed without a receipt. Check into that with your tax-person to be sure of the details and rules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you for the grace and love you've extended us these last few weeks. We're going to need a lot of it. This is totally uncharted and foreign territory.
tara
p.s. Please don't leave questions about the paypal thing in the comment section, it will be easier to get back to you quickly if you email tara.livesay@worldwidevillage.org. Thankyou.
Photos by our fabulous son-in-law, Chris Bernard
55 comments:
I would love to talk to you about the guilt thing. Talk not tweet. If you want to...you know...
Rick
Have been crying multiple times a day since January 12, 2010. Enough!!! XXOO Mom Livesay/ Grandma Karen
So glad your tribe is together, and that God is providing. He will get you through this uncharted territory. Continuing to pray.
beautiful reunions! brought tears to my eyes ...
your humility at receiving all of these blessings just shows that you deserve them. bless you for all you've done for so many, and for what you continue to do.d
feeling for all of you as you chart these waters! Praying for you! I just have to say though as I'm reading this post, remember how you tried to sell that Suburban, and look how it's coming in handy! I love God and how he is way ahead of us!!! So he is way ahead of you here too! Keep tight hold on him, he will help you as you begin this journey. Sometimes we can't explain why we have and others have not. One thing I do know, God loves the people of Haiti and other countries that suffer! I don't understand why he allows things to happen, but I know that He is God, and His way is best!
I so hope that doesn't offend you! I don't mean to sound trite. My heart aches and wishes to be God's hands and feet! Bless you and we will always be praying for you!
I love you. Period. That's all I have to say today.
Praising God that your family is so well loved and cared for! Praying the ones left behind continue to be loved and cared for as well.
Tears streaming as I saw the pictures of your family re-united. (ummm ... I am NOT usually a crier ... very rare)
Will continue to pray for you during this most difficult time.
mama of 13
more tears for you. the gifts...from the Lord. as He used you to care for the people in Haiti, He used ppl here to take care of immediate needs for your family. it's how He works. you are dearly loved, tara!
Dear Tara,
This part IS hard...and necessary. I will continue to pray for patience, peace, clarity, and an extra big measure of grace. I don't know everything you are feeling, but I have had a taste of what it's like to have to leave the field for a time and I totally get that "SO VERY LOST" feeling and wondering if things will ever seem right side up again. Hang on to Jesus and people you can trust now. It will get better.
Thank you for sharing those moving photos of your reunion with all of us. How precious to see you all together again!
Praying for you all,
Sara
so glad you are there to hug your little (and big) ones....
and am thankful you are taking time to "be still" even though your mind tells you otherwise....
praying daily for your family,
t
it's almost like the world has no maps for you now. you're foreigners in your own country. the bible calls us that, you know: foreigners. maybe in this place with no maps you'll find yourself "home" apart from geography. i hope so.
peace to all of you as you find true north...
oh, how I wish I could meet you. You inspire me. I am so happy that you feel a sense of guilt. If you didn't I would be worried. Your love for the Haitian people runs deep. Deep enough that you want the full fridge for them. Don't lose that. Don't lose the guilt. If only we ALL felt that...imagine what we could do with our excess. Praise God that you know how abundant your life is.
Hi~ I found your blog after reading some tweets about the adoption situation in Haiti after the earthquake. I am an earthquake survivor & former MK. I know you have lots going on in your life right now. I emailed you at the yahoo address on your profile. I just wanted to know if you got my message. If you no longer use that email, can you let me know somehow? Thank you. gmorris234 at gmail dot com
Your voice has been a priceless way to learn more about Haiti...you have a such a wonderful heart and you are so BLESSED to be able to feel and BE so connected to others suffering. Most of us run away, or we distract ourselves so we don't have to feel. You are so BRAVE at being able to be there and live.
I believe that God sends us things that we need....you and your husband need strength and rest to be able to give 100% to so many people that need you. You have been a vessel of goodness and blessings to so many, so many that still need you. This time of indulgence for you and your family is just a time to build up your strength once again.....and it's ok to question and feel guilty. But NEVER stop feeling grateful for all these blessings.
Life is not fair, for some very strange painful reason there are stories that some of us just have to live in our life time.
You are an inspiration. May God continue to shower you and your family with blessings, and may your work in Haiti bloom for ever more.
Praise God!
Tara, do you always wear that baseball hat?
Won't say Welcome Home - only Welcome Back! Have no words of wisdom unless "this sucks" works. What you and your family do is amazing. Wish there was more I could do for the people of Haiti.
Praying always and then some.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for "stumbling" across your website right after the earthquake. Each day I eagerly check in to catch a daily report of what is going on. Tara, you are such an inspiration to so many out there, and I pray that God continue to use you in mighty ways, whether you stay here in the US or return to Haiti. You have a true servant's heart. Bless you and yours.
Rick -
Let's talk.
Matthew-
I almost always wear a baseball hat ... just not always that one. I hate doing hair.
Peggy-
"This sucks" actually really does help. Thanks for that :)
terri churchill --
i need you!
m'la
I don't personally know you guys, I wish I did.I have enjoyed reading your blog and am glad you are all back together. I will be praying for all of you as you recover and seek God's direction for your life and future.
Lisa Sonneman
I only came to know you after the earthquake through your "Tweets" and your blog, but I've come to love you both and pray for you constantly. I woke up several times last night with you on my mind. I'm so glad that the Lord has provided people who can touch your lives with the provision and blessings that you are experiencing. I know you feel guilty having what those you've left behind can't have, but let Him hold you and love you and provide for your every need now - it'll be healing for your spirits and equip you and strengthen you to return in time. You've poured yourselves out and the Lord knows the well is running dry. He wants to fill you up again! He's holding you in His hands and pour ing His "wine" into your wounds. You will be so much more able to pour out from hearts that are full.
I so wish I could get to know you for "real". I'm watching the news story on TV about you tomorrow (in the Twin Cities area) ... they're showing clips of it now to advertise it and my heart is so connected to yours!
like a few others here, i only recently found you all through blogs and tweets. reading your thoughts and needs, and praying for you has been my little help to the world in such a horrible time.
my mother passed when i was 17, and the pta at the school she taught at showered us with enough food to feed an army, flowers, and anything else they thought we needed. i felt guilty too because we could take care of ourselves and were not needy.
when i told someone this, they said that often the gifts were others' way of helping when there is nothing else they can do. gifts of money to the red cross, your charity, etc. while needed and happily given can often feel empty and impersonal. helping you and your family, when we KNOW that you have been truly helping haitians, just feels like the right thing for us to do. yes, they need food, water, shelter and medical help. and for what you've been doing, you deserve a mansion made of diet cokes. we can't do what you do, so allow us to thank you and allow you to smother your kids with hugs and kisses right now.
kristi
redheadrace.blogspot.com
Dear T & T,
I too have only been following since the earthquake, but love you and pray for you as though we're old friends. Please remember that while you are being blessed you are also allowing others to be blessed by giving to you - they have been called to do these things and are being obedient - much like what you were doing in Haiti - so don't feel guilty - just receive what God has ordered for you.
With love and prayers,
Donna
T and T,
Aching for you both, but glad you are back together as a family.
Love and prayers from Mississippi.
J and S
Hope you talked to Rick (sounds like he knows you alittle more than most of us about what your feeling). Wear your baseball hat (any color) doing hair sucks too. I tend to wear Marines - Semper Fi ones (my bro was in Iraq etc.) And have more choice words of wisdom when I feel lost that can't say in a public domain - & not too Christian but gotta scream sometime. And hell it just feels good sometimes...
Praying always
God's love is lavish and undeserved. It doesn't make sense. Snacks in a Suburban is God's lavish love. God will bless the obedience of snack providers for answering His call just like He will bless your obedience for receiving His lavish love.
I've read your blog for over a year after hearing about it on SCL. You made me love Haiti before the earthquake and you made Haiti real to me. Thank you for that!
Still look forward to checking your blog everyday. Still praying for you and Haiti...anddddd your on my home soil :) Nothing like those huge Texas flags you can see a mile away and Dr. Pepper and David Crowder????...that's cool too.
Tara & Troy,
So glad to see your pictures with your children! Awesome! I agree with everyone that has posted about receiving these gifts. Those that have given to you gave because they COULD and WANTED to not because they HAD to. You both need this mental and physical hiatus.
Tara you are an awesome writer. Keep it up, I pray that someone will contact you in the future regarding telling the story of Haiti, not just the quake. By this I mean a film. That way all of the problems of the country will surface and not be hidden as you state in your blogging.
Blessings to all of you! Enjoy your family, one hour at a time and one day at a time!
Theresa Okamoto
Huntington Beach,CA
I can imagine your feelings and think they are understandable. I want you to know that you and your family are being prayed for.
though I have never been to Haiti, my husband's family is there and believe me we are experience the same guilt you are experiencing. I was lucky enough to be fasting during the quake... lucky because I could resume eating when so many others couldn't. I felt guilty for that.
You were given more than one job and your first job of course is to raise your children. You are doing that job. They needed you, they wanted you and now you are there. That is good. As a foster parent I understand how hard it is for children to be away from their parents. For your young ones, you did the right thing. Parent first, Haiti will always need you and want you back. Bless you and your future journey. Keep looking and God will show you your next assignment!
Praying for your family. Have been & will continue to. For hearts continuing to be filled with compassion, for anger diminishing, for lots of quiet places to let tears flow--knowing He counts and collects each one, for wisdom in living faithfully here--wherever that is at the moment, and most of all--for clear direction on how to go forward down the path He's made for you.
May the peace of Christ guard your hearts and minds.
You are were you need to be, at leat for now. You have done an amazing job in Haiti.
It'll come to you.
Thinking about you!
I love how you do not wrap things up in a neat bow. Love how you are willing to struggle. I only know you through Kristen but, I'm praying for you a lot a lot a lot. I do not mean that in a cliche way......
I love seeing these pictures of you together with your family. I hope you find the strength to sit. I will be praying that for you - to sit and breathe deep and feel okay about it. Love you so much.
beautiful pictures, they made me sigh with relief
and hard times ahead...
my motto during hard times: everything happens for a reason.
thinking of you
juana in mallorca
I've been reading your blog every day since Troy's name appeared in a BBC news article over here in England. Ever since he asked the world to pray for Haiti, I have done. You've helped make sense of something so immense and beyond understanding, your story is compelling and inspirational, and I've usually welled up with tears every time I've read a post. Yesterday I shared some of your story with the guys at church, shared some photos, and we prayed for you as we looked at that beautiful family portrait. Asking Father to guide your next steps.
Matt Clements
Tara and Troy,
I want to let you know what a blessing you have been to me over the past month. It has been sobering and heart warming to be able to come to your site and get a first-hand account of what's going on from a personal perspective. Thank you for sharing your lives with us and for the furtherance of God's Kingdom (most importantly). You may never know how much your faith and steadfastness has touched the lives of others.
Please remember that God "allows" us a break every now and then. Not only to build you up and restore you, but that you would be able to do His work with a glad heart (you know this!)
I know that your heart breaks for the people you love so dearly and the guilt is unimaginable, but you deserve this time to regroup and better serve the people of Haiti in the NEAR future!
Love and peace,
Your sister in Christ,
Christie
I found your sight shortly after the quake, and you have been a blessing to follow. My heart has ached for the people of Haiti and for their loss. My heart has ached for you all and the decision(hard decisions) that you have had to make. You will continue to be in my prayers. I am thankful for the tug I now have on my heart for the people of Haiti. I will continue to pray for healing for your family, and wisdom for decisions you will need to make in the coming weeks and months. What a blessing how God has provided all that you need in abundance. Jackie
Loved seeing the pictures of you and the children. I was only in Haiti for 2 days after the quake and certainly cannot call it home like you do. Yet I understand and feel - at least to a degree - the tightness around the heart, the guilt and not wanting to feel and digest what has happened to you and your family. I am still in denial and have not closely had your experiences. My motto right now is: just keep moving, just keep denying (with a fair bit of stomping my feet and shouting how unfair this all is, how this shouldn't be happening to Haiti), my body and soul will know when I am strong enough to start digesting.
Thinking of all of you,
Alexandra
wow, so wonderful to see you reunited with your kids..Lydie's smile is precious!
I can't imagine what you are going through, but I do know that God ordains our days and has us where we are for a reason. Your family needs you to heal so that you can all minister later to the people you so love and I have no doubt that you will do that.
praying for each of each of you.
Tara,
I haven't read the other comments so I'm probably going to repeat what others have said. ;)
"I don't want to think or heal". You talked about having your children receive outside help to deal with their grief. Tara, you guys need this too. You have been through something very similar to a war and unless you find an outlet to deal with your deep grief, that sore is going to fester.
Love you guys so much. Please know that you are also worth tender loving care. And healing.
Prayers.
as always, blessed by your words and life. And praying for you all. Praise God.
T&T,
Glad you are together as a family. Love to you and yours as you work to heal.
Hugs,
E-run
Stopped by yesterday and saw your photos of being reuinited with your kids and cried. Came back today to leave a comment and cried too. I can't imagine how strange this all feels to you guys and how very much you all have to process. There are so many who have heard your story and while you may see so much generosity directed your way, I do believe the trickle down effect will bless many others who are connected to you, including those who you've left behind. Sometimes it's the clowns who lead the circus parade who bring the most attention to the circus that's arriving...sorry to call you clowns but I think you know what I mean. LOL
I was reading what Christie said..about God allowing us breaks and i remembered that even Jesus got away sometimes...so it's OK to be in the States.
Some things to remember, maybe:
1. You are probably going through re-entry shock as well as EVERYTHING else...be very kind to yourself. Be kind. Be gentle. Forgive yourself. Know that you will get 'there' in time...you will. You and Troy are going to make it - but it's going to take time.
2. Enjoy the blessings...the thing about the Body of Christ, that i most love, is that when one part is hurting and 'down' others rise to lift them up. The snacks, food, house, etc...is a way of those around you, brothers and sisters, holding you up. Totally awesome in my opinion but i can completely understand the guilt.
Tara? Troy? You are gonna make it. God WILL fulfill His promises. God WILL NOT forget you. God DOES have a plan..a very good plan for your future. And He very much loves you. AMAZING love.
i pray that you feel His love and His gentle hand of healing today.
Oh and something else....just because people are giving to you - helping you and praying for you - that does not, in my very strong opinion, mean you OWE us anything. Nope. Nada. No way. NOOO
Your relationship with God, your marriage and your kids. That's what is important.
And now i'm going to stop meddling/preaching and commenting and get to praying. i ENJOY praying for you and the folks in Haiti.
After my first trip to Haiti someone tried to explain the reverse culture shock I would experience and it seemed so unlikely. Until I lived it. That was after my short trip and my life has never been the same. I can only imagine your confusion and heartache as you live long term and trying to adjust to 'America' on your break. Praying for your comfort and peace to enjoy your family time together before you return to your real home. God Bless! You are loved. ♥
Troy & Tara -
I stumbled upon your blog while reading CNN a few days after the quake and now I read it daily for updates on the conditions in Haiti, and your family. I tell everyone I meet about your blog, your beautiful family and the wonderful things you do. I am so happy that you are all reunited in your (hopefully) temporary home in Texas. I hope you find yourself in Haiti (home) sooner than later. Know that your heart and hard work remain there, even though you are physically miles away.
I am not a religious person, but I like to think of myself as spiritual. I hold you, your family and Haiti in my heart during this time. I will admit I was ignorant to the despair that was happening in Haiti before the quake. But now, after reading your personal accounts and that of others, I see that it was once a beautiful place, despite that. I can not express enough my heartache for the victims and survivors. I have been an adamant preacher for the aid of Haiti, much to the chagrin of other's. If there is anything I can do, and if you know of a missionary that is in desperate need that I can directly donate to, please let me know.
God speed and best of luck -
Jessica - Philadelphia, PA
Hi~ I found your blog after reading some tweets about the adoption situation in Haiti after the earthquake. I am an earthquake survivor & former MK. I know you have lots going on in your life right now. I emailed you at the yahoo address on your profile. I just wanted to know if you got my message. If you no longer use that email, can you let me know somehow? Thank you. gmorris234 at gmail dot com 2010 modelleri
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I really appreciate your honesty too. Praying for you...continue to keep the life with Jesus real. You are such a testimony. Have some great times with your family. "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee...". Find that one verse that speaks to you and meditate on it. No one knows better than you I'm sure. :)
"I found your blog shortly after the quake, and read it daily, checking several times a day for updates. What a blessing you have been. I know you are a blessing to the Haitian people, but hearing/seeing/feeling your work there has a huge impact on those of us living over here.
Thank you for the inspiring writing. Thank you for being open about your faith. It's been wonderful to see how God provides - the doctors and nurses for the hospital in your house. And also how God provide a respite for you and your family. And how He continues to provide. As believers in Christ we are all on the same team. We are all missionaries. You are just a bit more hands on than me. I'm up in Canada (totally amazed at the temps/weather forecast that shows up on the blogs.) but praying for you daily. Thank you for your challenging writing, frequent updates, and being a voice for the people and situation in Haiti. Love your kids!"
Hi Tara,
You don't know me (betcha hear a lot of that these days), but we have followed your story. To make it short, I asked people to put a comment of encouragement/prayer on my blog for you guys. I promised that I would send it in with a gift to Heartline Ministries. Well, I sent the Heartline gift, but hadn't gotten around to sending the comments. So, I am just copying and pasting from my blog here and you can see their comments below: Love, Rory Cookman
I just want to send a message to heartline ministries that they are being lifted up in prayer. God will give strength and provide.
Also: The UPS thing, is this for a limited time? I'm excited to put a box together. It would be a good lesson to do with Ethan too.
January 17, 2010 3:02 PM
Brazenlilly said...
I have fallen in love with Heartline ministries in the last few days and feel like Tara Livesay is my long lost best friend. They have gained many news siblings in Christ who will continue to lift them up as they BEGIN this immense journey to recovery.
Nina said...
God is on the throne!! The gathering of God's people in prayer is making us one church. He hears our prayers and He will answer!
Becky said...
We're joining you in lifting up Heartline in prayer, knowing and trusting in the awesome things God can do! May He provide as only He can!
Becky said...
Praying that God is working miracles for all to see. May this catastrophe bring people to God and show all His glory.
Trista & Chris said...
I don't know you but THANK YOU for your pledge to help! Blessings to you!
Lisa P said...
Heartline, I am new to your story, but God is not. He knew these days were coming, and put you there for such a time as this. Thank you for being faithful to His call--previously to allow Him to plant you there, and currently, to selflessly serve in such disastrous times. We are praying for His peace and strength for you in these coming weeks and months.
Mama Eagle said...
Heartline, I pray God will grant you peace in the middle of your turmoil. Thank you for all you are doing and I pray God will strengthen you.
Livinjc247 said...
Father I come before you right now and I lift up little Keanan and his Mother and Father, Kristen and Troy. I know of the destruction over there father but I also know that you are a miracle working God. I am asking Father that ALL the paper work that was done for All of the children be restored. That Keanan will be able to be put on an airplane this week to come home to his family here is the US. There are 1 million children who are needing families now. Father I am asking for the families that have already been put together for their children to be given to them NOW!!! and that for those who don't have one, that NO Child will be left behind and there will be a family here in the US for each of them. In Jesus Name I ask of this..AMEN
roylaverne said...
So sad that it has taken this tragedy to get me here, but I have been inspired and humbled by all that I've read in the last few days on the blogs and Facebook pages of brothers and sisters in Christ serving in Haiti or adopting Haitian children. I am a more thankful person today too, for all that I have materially, and with family and freedoms. Thanks for what you're doing with this effort, Rory!
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